Editor's note: The article below is satire.
While Duke hasn't released admissions decisions for the Class of 2029, it is rumored that Duke admitted twice the number of students that East Campus can house. As a result of the increased housing demand, the University's president and Board of Trustees visited East Campus to see if it would be possible to quickly build more residence halls before fall 2025. To their dismay, they discovered their other million-dollar construction projects were still underway. After one look at the eight (literally) excavators in the middle of the quad, they realized that they did not have enough workers to finish the current projects and start building the new dorms.
When they arrived back on West Campus, the administrators held an emergency meeting, and a brand new initiative was born. Now, the incoming freshmen will be used as labor to build their future campus. To ease freshmen into this unprecedented position, the president abolished all orientation programs, even the existing P-Build, to start a fresh program: P-Construction. However, instead of starting orientation the week before classes, students will arrive on campus in June to get to work on their new homes.
Each student will get a blue construction hat and some tools instead of the traditional blue devil horns when they arrive. Icebreakers will consist of students sharing with everyone their previous exposure to construction, which will play an important role in determining where students are assigned on construction tasks. Factors such as knowledge gained from family members who work in construction to lessons learned during inconvenient remodeling of their NYC penthouses will guide the process. The icebreakers will also help the first-year students quickly gauge who will thank the bus drivers versus who will be in Greek organizations.
Students will all have to download an app called "Duke Dirt" that tracks the students' timecards and working schedules. The app includes features like "Panic Button" for when students accidentally hit a water main and "Legacy Excuse" for students whose parents donated buildings to skip shifts.
Whoever completes the most overtime work can waive the easy general education requirements and automatically graduate with at least cum laude. If students are caught slacking, they must add classes to their schedule for Monday-Friday that all start at 8:30 a.m. and will start off their college experience with a 2.7 GPA.
Monday Monday would like to give their sincerest apologies for not publishing for a month. As punishment, they will leave their lovely West Campus abode to pitch a tent on East and help test out the P-Construction program starting later tonight.
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