In a shocking turn of events, popular social messageboard apps Upchat and Fuzz have suddenly removed their anonymous posting feature, revealing the names and faces of Duke’s most prolific internet trolls.
Even more horrifying, the change affects not only future posts, but all content that has ever been uploaded to the apps — meaning everything you’ve ever posted is now attached to your name, forever.
“It’s awful. I’m genuinely fearful for my life,” said one student who had been using the platforms as an outlet to share diabolically freaky thoughts that really should have never seen the light of day. The Chomicle granted the student anonymity because they would literally never be able to get a job if people knew they said that heinous sh-t lol.
Shrieks of terror could be heard throughout West Campus’ residential quads as students discovered they had been in political dueling matches with their Stats 101 crush and accidentally flirted with their smelly TA.
“I can never show my face in class again,” sophomore Ohva Cheever said after discovering her VMS professor had downvoted every single one of her posts bragging that she still had an A without ever watching a single movie he had assigned.
Fifteen students were immediately suspended after their names were attributed to posts discussing how easy it was to cheat on the most recent BME midterm. The 1.7K students who upvoted the post have also been placed on academic probation.
Some students benefited from their newfound fame. Junior Womanuv Thapeepull walked into her 8:30 a.m. CompSci lecture to a standing ovation for her valiant efforts to publicly shame students studying in Perkins with their dawgs out.
“Thank you, thank you all so much. This means a lot,” Thapeepull said as her classmates showered her with roses and frat bands. “Really, it’s all in a day’s work, you’re too kind.”
With their most trusted platforms in shambles, many students reported opening The Chomicle for the first time to get their news.
“Their articles were interesting, but I’m not used to reading more than 250 characters at a time,” said senior Mei Dia-Literacci.
Student Affairs Czar Marty Party McDarty posted an apology video to the office’s Instagram story after behind-the-scenes posts from Duke’s Elite Eight run revealed she was the Blue Devil all along. Soon after, she posted a second video apologizing for using a ukulele in the first.
Editor's Note: Happy April Fools' Day! In case you couldn't tell, this was a story for our satirical edition, The Chomicle. Check out more Chomicle stories here, guaranteed to make you laugh, or at least cry.
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