Chomicle uncovers list of changes to student life following super expensive Centennial concert

After Duke went all out for its Centennial celebration, the University is looking for ways to further bolster its highly praised student experience in ways that don’t cost quite as much as a Ted Hearin concert.

Last night, The Chomicle’s editor-in-chief was added to a group chat on the secure messaging platform Signull administered by Duke President Fincent Spice. The EiC was apparently invited by accident.

“I am excited to announce Duke’s next phase of student life,” Spice texted the chat, which included administrators such as Student Affairs Czar Marty Party McDarty. “The following innovative changes will be made to secure an even better next chapter for Duke’s totally original social scene that is definitely not copying Harverrd and Whale.”

The following list was then shared in the chat thread:

STUDENT EXPERIENCE CHANGES FOR 2025-26

• With students reporting a need to feel closer to their fellow Blue Devils during the basketball season, Cameron Indoor Stadium’s student section will be downsized to half of its current capacity.
• The Devil’s Dock will be converted into a highly requested eighth quad, which can accommodate 5,000 students in a brand-new vertical housing approach. Quad access will be restricted on gamedays.
• The C1 bus route will be downsized to the C½. The new route — to be manned exclusively by Cybercars — will transport students from East Campus to the Rubenstine Arts Center, saving funds while supporting student arts and reducing emissions.
• In partnership with esteemed alumnus Jard McCaine, generously donated funds from freshman phenom Koopa Banner’s Name, Image and Likeness deals will be used to build a coveted restaurant, Raisin’ McCaine’s, on East Campus. It will not accept equivalency.
• Kratt School of Engineering students will be assigned to complete the renovation of Silly Library in a new, immersive 5.0 credit course, replacing the EGR 101 requirement with “real hands-on learning.”
• Edens Quad will be sold to the Pie Cap fraternity for “darties” as part of Duke Student Government’s new Party Inebriated but Somewhat Supervised (PISS) initiative.
• Students will be able to redeem leftover food points at the end of each semester for a 0.001 increase in their grade point average, supporting Duke’s values of sustainability, healthy eating habits and academic excellence.
• Half of the Will’s Son Recreation Center will be replaced with 20 rentable pickleball courts, contributing to the University’s plans for a new state-of-the-art complex. Balls hit into the street will cost players an extra $5.

Spice also floated plans to convert all four floors of Bostink Library into McDarty's new office. “People don’t really go there, do they?” Spice later asked in the text thread, to which McDarty responded “lmao def not ?” and all other chat members reacted “HAHA.”

The Chomicle has not yet independently verified additional reports of plans to build a zipline from the top of Duke Chapel to Marketplace and a “wash-your-own-dishes” station for the Brodhead Center.