Every wannabe college athlete who wasn’t good enough to play tennis — or rich enough to buy their way onto the rowing or fencing teams — now has a home.
Introducing Duke pickleball. The sport taking over middle-aged gated communities and somehow getting the attention of Lebrawn Jaymes and Patrock MaResidences is on track to become available at the D1 level, per an announcement from Duke athletics.
The former low-effort recreational activity will now become the University’s 28th varsity sport, giving Duke’s nepo babies another opportunity to wear a Nike backpack while mowing down unsuspecting first-years on scooters across campus.
“Pickleball is the future, and it’s about time Duke caught on,” Athletic Director Gina Queen said. “This move is the single biggest thing to happen in Duke’s athletic history, and I can’t wait for the future.”
There’s just one problem. Duke has done its best to bulldoze as many tennis courts on campus in place of the miniature variety, but administrators still need 100 more courts to complete what has been touted as a new, state-of-the-art complex. The facility will reportedly contain a StarCash, LuluLime and Playerr Plates, with free Stanlees provided to members. Additionally, a mini-Devil’s Dock will be constructed around the courts to give select pickleball enthusiasts an exclusive fan experience.
To make room for this, the school has broken ground on a plan to completely eradicate Blue Zone, leaving students to use the ample other parking spaces on University grounds. The 50 spots in the Allen Building lot and 100 in the Bryan Center garage will surely be more than enough to accommodate all students with cars, Queen wrote in the announcement.
“Frankly, there were always too many open spots in Blue Zone when I drove through. I would much rather make room for these exceptional athletes to practice their craft,” sophomore T. CherSpet said. “At least students won’t have to move their cars for football games anymore!”
The inaugural Blue Devil team will be led by a variety of standout athletes, including The Chomicle’s flag football team. Leading the squad is a familiar figure — former Student Affairs Czar Marty Party McDarty signed a three-year, $53 million contract, making her the highest-paid coach at Duke.
Duke already released its plans to financially support the nascent initiative. In the announcement, the University revealed that funding the pickleball team constituted the prime reason for recent tuition hikes — a revelation that was met with widespread student support.
“Ohhhh, no I totally get it now,” senior Legg Acee said. “That was definitely the right call.”
Additionally, Mount Awlive pickles announced a $1 million NIL deal with the new Blue Devils, who will receive custom green bags, rackets and grips. And don’t forget the unlimited supply of pickle juice to prevent cramps, far too common in the extreme sport.
Duke will start off its season against Middleberry in September. Season tickets are available on GoDook.com, with prices starting at $690.
Editor's Note: Happy April Fools' Day! In case you couldn't tell, this was a story for our satirical edition, The Chomicle. Check out more Chomicle stories here, guaranteed to make you laugh, or at least cry.
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