Provost Eve L. Fillain announced a new Provost’s Initiative on Civil Discourse, which is set to be directed by a new face on campus with an unexpected tie to the University community: 17-time Grammy-winner rapper Kindrick Lemur.
Lemur is best known for his successful music career, boasting several number-one hits, such as “Modest,” “Pretty Okay” and “Friendship Bonds,” as well as a Pulitzer Prize for “just being better than everyone else.” However, he has also been celebrated in recent months for his impressive commitment to productive discussion with those who hold opposing views after the release of his song “Just Like Us,” described by Lemur as a call to action for listeners to be more “empathetic” and “forgiving.”
The rapper’s uniquely successful approach to building community across difference involves summoning his enemies to the town square, where he verbally eviscerates them in front of a crowd of hundreds with the goal of “mak[ing] them wish they were never born, much less ever put my name in their f***ing mouth, those b****-*** little m***********s.” After a quick uplifting halftime show, the ceremony concludes with an amicable roundhouse kick from Lemur before he releases his challenger and welcomes him into a warm embrace.
“At the end of the day, it’s all about that hug life,” Lemur said, cracking his knuckles.
“Wow, just wow,” Fillain marveled. “It’s incredible — I just don’t understand how he’s always so calm, cool and collected.”
Lemur’s work at Duke will consist primarily of educational programming, largely through a weekly two-and-a-half-hour seminar coded Religion: Keep Your Friends Close and Your Nemesis Closer, which will feature occasional guest lectures from fellow rapper and longtime best bud of Lemur’s, Jake.
In exchange for leading the initiative, President Fincent Spice promised Lemur that the Duke Lemur Center — apparently named in honor of the Lemur family’s sizable contributions to the University’s endowment over the years, not the primates housed on site — would only play his top hits.
The new civil discourse project is the newest installment of a series of Provost’s Initiatives that have recently been launched to provide institutional space to explore topics of interest and concern to members of the University community.
“We have the one on Climate Change, which is about addressing the global climate crisis, and Changing the Climate, which is about improving the efficiency of campus HVAC systems. Then there’s Constellations and Construction of course, and Combating Allergens. That one’s very important. We have one on Academic Rigor and also one on Inflating Grades, then after that there’s Making Duke Awesome, Centennial III and Optimizing Greener Grass-Growing. And oh, my personal favorite, the Provost’s Initiative on Provost’s Initiatives. And then I feel like there’s … ,” Spice trailed off, apparently giving up trying to name all existing initiatives after running out of fingers on both hands.
Before ending the interview, Spice confirmed that the University declined Lemur’s offer to cap off his stint on campus with a free LDOC performance.
Editor's Note: Happy April Fools' Day! In case you couldn't tell, this was a story for our satirical edition, The Chomicle. Check out more Chomicle stories here, guaranteed to make you laugh, or at least cry.
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