After students reported feeling content with Can-dis, Duke’s primary learning management system, University administration announced that Duke will be reverting back to the first-ever draft of the Suckai website.
“Can-dis was, unfortunately, too easy to navigate and organize,” Provost Eve L. Fillain. “Our faculty and students need a challenge — that’s why they’re at Duke University. So a challenge we will give them!”
Can-dis helps students by storing all of their assignments in one place, making it easy to keep track of inconsistent expectations and oft-fluctuating timelines for multiple classes, except when professors decide not to use it because they said so. Instructors can also assign discussion posts, homework quizzes and other generally sucky things on the platform.
Despite how lame it was from a classwork standpoint, Can-dis was known for its ease of use and accessibility. The new system, which Duke expects to be launched by the end of the semester just in time for finals, will reportedly make it “effectively impossible” to view assignments, syllabi or any other information needed to complete a course.
“OIT found a beta version of Suckai that’s completely unorganized. Basically raw html code slapped on a page. Looking at it gives me a headache. It looks like a f---ing high school Intro to CS project,” Fillain said. “And we thought, ‘Wow. Perfect. They’re all gonna hate this so bad.’”
The cute little panda, one of the few features that made Suckai bearable in past academic years, is also reportedly nowhere to be found on the older model of the platform. It’s unclear what features actually remain in the downright prehistoric version of the learning management system.
“F--k the students, honestly,” Fillain said. “Like, I want to make their life harder. I want to make the professors' lives worse. That’s our only rationale here. I’m serious.”
The Chomicle interviewed every single undergraduate, graduate student and professor on campus and found that not a single individual was the slightest bit happy with the change.
“I was just starting to get the hang of Can-dis,” lamented one professor who learned how to share their screen on Vroom two weeks ago.
“I’m calling my lawyer right now,” one student said. “Oh, hey Dad—”
Editor's Note: Happy April Fools' Day! In case you couldn't tell, this was a story for our satirical edition, The Chomicle. Check out more Chomicle stories here, guaranteed to make you laugh, or at least cry.
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