The hottest thing this Valentine’s Day may be specificity

“As a society we are embarrassed by love. We treat it as if it were an obscenity. We reluctantly admit to it. Even saying the word makes us stumble and blush… Love is the most important thing in our lives, a passion for which we would fight or die, and yet we’re reluctant to linger over its names.” - Diane Ackerman

Well folks, once again, Valentine’s Day is upon us. Whether you cast it aside as a commercial money-grab or happily don your pink hearted sweater, it’s impossible to avoid the notions of love that arrive on your doorstep every Feb. 14. Or, perhaps more accurately, Valentine’s Day just brings these notions closer to the forefront of our minds. But thoughts of love are really among us everyday, aren’t they? 

We live in a world that makes it nearly impossible to escape the obsession towards romantic love. Conversations of intimacy and relationships are all around us — in songs, movies and podcasts — and personal anecdotes of romantic pursuits often highlight daily debriefs and catch-ups. And why shouldn’t we be fascinated? Love is an incredibly powerful thing, further complicated by its unique meaning to each person. Anthropologist Helen Fisher famously spoke to the power of romantic love, explaining how it's akin to the rush of doing cocaine and how being in love is more of a drive, powering us to crave and want a person, rather than just a static emotion or state of being. In an iconic TedTalk, she explains how a person takes on a special meaning when you fall in love: that the world has a new center and the Earth a new axis on which it spins. Playwright Bernard Shaw put it similarly, albeit less poetically, describing love as a “gross exaggeration of the difference between one person and everybody else.”

Considering the power, the immensity, of this drive to romantic love, it is no mystery as to why it’s such a focal point of our culture and a constant on our minds. Particularly as college students, young adults exploring real relationships for the first time, we may feel overcome by an urge to seek romantic love, to find our fix in the form of another person. And in our current digital age, the landscape for pursuing romance is only expanding. According to a 2023 Pew Research study, 53% of adults in the United States under the age of 30 have used a dating app and one in ten of these users reported meeting their long term partner online. Even here on campus, we bear witness to people outsourcing their desires for romance, in a flare of comedy, with the Duke and Fluke Marriage Pacts receiving thousands of submissions each year. 

Undoubtedly, thoughts of love surround us. This is certainly no question. Why then, with love’s pervasiveness in our culture, do Diane Ackerman’s words still ring with some truth? Sure, we throw “I love you’s” to our roommates as we head out the door and whisper it into phones to end conversations. We show love by remembering that friend’s coffee order when they’re having a bad day and by humoring our partner by playing their favorite game, even though we can’t stand it. And this love is meaningful and sincere. It’s real love. But how often do we articulate the depth, the specificity, of how we love? Why do our words often fall short compared to the immensity and power of the drive to love?  

Perhaps Ackerman is right — that to speak of love feels obscene or vulnerable. It feels like a faux paus to voice something so personal, so close to heart. But I push back on this idea, just a bit. At its core, as Fisher points out, love is a dynamic biochemical process that can bring us profound joy and fulfillment. Why should we be embarrassed by that? It’s universal, it’s natural, and it brings people together. Further, there’s truth in the notion that to feel an emotion at its depth and entirety we must be able to articulate it fully. Even in its Sisyphean nature, there is still great value in trying to articulate our love, to capture its shape and form to the best of our ability and to strengthen our connection and communication with others.

So, this Valentine’s Day, I urge you to be specific in your love. Cast away the awkwardness, the vulnerability, the obscenity, and take the time to consider what words or actions fuel your drive to love. When you hand your friend their coffee, take the moment to slow down and explain how seeing them everyday offers you an instant mood boost. When you sigh and agree to one more game, swallow any awkwardness and tell your partner that you’d play ten more rounds of any game just to spend time with them. Don’t assume that your love goes without saying or is already understood. Strengthen your relationships by taking the time and intention to put what they mean to you into words. 

As you munch on chalky conversation hearts and red lollipops, use the holiday as an open door to practice the love you experience everyday, whatever form it may take. Boyfriend, girlfriend, partner, roommate, goldfish, or Fluke marriage pact, we can all be better players in the game of love by speaking it more clearly and intentionally.