Duke selected as the first college for a Bachelor franchise spin-off: ‘The Baccalaureatte’

Editor's note: The article below is satire.

After discovering that a past Duke student is currently on season 29 of ABC’s The Bachelor, the show’s viewership has increased around campus by 9%. Noting this peak in interest, a Duke alumnus who works at ABC negotiated that Duke University be the first school to be part of “The Baccalaureatte.” This spin-off is only open to undergrads. The first season will follow the format of “The Bachelorette,” where one lucky Duke female will select a husband out of the 25 male contestants.

Duke professors have been tasked with choosing the 25 guys for the show. A few key traits for selection include whether they have a 6-pack, a chiseled jawline and if they're emotionally unstable enough to keep ratings high. Kindness and philanthropy will significantly lower contestants’ chances of being selected. With a slightly more targeted approach to encourage higher student campus engagement, Duke will select its female Baccalaureatte based on who most frequently completes dining and housing surveys.

Duke plans to have their own version of “The Bachelor” mansion. Various places were considered, including the Swift Apartment. However, that idea was scrapped when the producers realized the spotty bus schedule could interrupt filming. Ultimately, the decision was made to kick the University’s president out of his house for six weeks of filming. Not to worry, though; the president was given a plush single in the Craven dormitory with a beautiful view of the outdoor courtyard below. 

As is customary in The Bachelor franchise, there will be group dates and one-on-ones. The series proposal outlined a few potential date ideas. Group dates range from flunches with professors at McDonald’s to doing Kilgo dorm inspections after students move out for the summer. One-on-ones will include activities such as throwing the first pitch at the Duke youth baseball camp’s final game or intimate reveals as they wait for their mobile order to be ready from the dining hall.

A significant change will be in each episode’s “rose ceremony,” where our Baccalaureatte chooses which contestants stay in the competition to win her heart. Instead of giving roses, she will provide answer keys for some of the university’s most notoriously difficult tests. The revised rose ceremony stems from a partnership with the physics department, which is trying to boost department involvement after losing half their majors to grade deflation. 

Sadly, she will not be able to meet everyone’s families in person, as the “hometowns” will be over Zoom due to all of the budget paying for the first pitch contract. The show’s much-anticipated fantasy suites will happen in each finalist’s freshman dorm. This might lead to strategic eliminations from the Baccalaureatte to avoid hookups in Bassett.

Finally, after picking her winner, the couple will be handed a paper with all of the unofficial graduation requirements to complete together. The show executives plan to contact the Duke contestant from The Bachelor’s season 29 to host. If she declines the offer, a representative from Duke’s Wellness Center will host so they can monitor potential STD outbreaks more closely and hand out protection during fantasy suites.