Hopefully someday I can go back home

I die a little whenever we are close to term breaks. The images of my peers happily dragging their luggage and leaving for their homes always pull severe emotional strings inside me. When that happens, I keep thinking, “When will it be my turn, if ever?”

I have not returned to my country in the past fall and winter breaks, and obviously not in the spring. To be fair, a handful of international students on financial aid would share my experience.

But then, what about the summer? All international students will be returning to their homelands at least for some time, if not throughout all summer. Sadly, not me. When people ask me what my summer plans are, I have no concrete answer. I do not know where I will end up. But one thing is for sure: not my home, not Burma (or Myanmar, a name given by the junta that I do not use).

No beautiful thing really comes to my mind when I try to describe Burma, except that it is a prime example of an authoritarian regime scholars famously like to document in their books. It holds one of the worst human rights violation records, over five decades of military dictatorship and nearly eight decades of civil wars. There was a short period of so-called democratic transition of a mere ten years from 2010 to 2020, only to be under military rule again through the recent 2021 coup.

The recent coup has turned Burma into a nearly failed state. Today, one US dollar equals 4600 Kyats (our currency) — although the junta-controlled central bank announced it only as around 2100 Kyats, and foreign websites somehow like to believe it. While the currency has plunged, the average minimum wage remains around 6800 Kyats daily, merely under 1.5 dollars!

Internet freedom is severely limited, scoring the same 9/100 points as China in the 2024 Freedom House Report. There are frequent internet shutdowns. People cannot use social media applications without a (Virtual Private Network (VPN), and even VPNs have been blocked. Electricity access is also severely limited. Some residents in Mandalay, my hometown and the second largest city in Burma, say that they now get only under one hour of electricity daily. People in conflict-affected areas are constantly displaced to avoid escalating armed conflicts, executions and aerial bombings: 2.6 million people have been displaced near the end of 2023.

The most severe displacement crisis came in February 2024 when the military began enforcing mandatory conscription to the military for young people against their will. Young people are abducted for a short period of military training and then sent to the front line to serve as human shields in the fight against revolutionary forces. 

To escape this, young people have been leaving the country in any way possible, either legally or illegally. Knowing this, the military further tightened control, and today, young people cannot ever leave the country without permission from the military conscription recruitment units. Therefore, those who are already outside of the country can never dare to return because if they do, it is never guaranteed that they will retain their freedom or even remain alive.

In addition to the threat of military conscription, political activists and freedom fighters actively working for the revolution suffer from even more severe persecution. They have been brutally targeted, jailed, tortured and executed, leading them to be forced to flee to either abroad or liberated zones where ethnic armed forces control. Any resistance act against the military regime, regardless of the impact, can face up to the death penalty. So, their fate of not being able to return home was more sealed and profound than that of regular citizens.

And that was the case for me.

Standing up for what I believe came at my personal expense, and I was forced to make a choice. And I have willingly made a choice that made my life miserable but my moral soul free of guilt and full of pride.

It has been two long years since I left Burma alone, away from my family and friends. I do not know when I can possibly ever return, but surely, it will only be after the fall of the military regime. And I sincerely hope it will be very soon. I still want to see and cherish my 86-year-old grandparents again before something possibly happens to them. If I cannot manage to do so, then that will be the biggest price I will have to pay for my activism.

I cannot go back to my homeland, but to be fair, there is one backup place I can always return to, and that will always welcome me. Thailand: my second home, a land separated only a river from Burma, and where I lived for one and a half years before coming to the States.

I have a very close emotional connection to Thailand, particularly Maesot, the Thai-Burma border town that hosts tens of thousands of Burmese refugees and exiled activists. So, I feel this is where my people are, where my community is. Home away from Home.

I have lived in Maesot by myself and taught Burmese youth refugees English and Math skills for their higher education. My students are angels. Whenever I am sad, they always cheer me up and lovingly say I could always visit and stay with them if I have nowhere else to go.

Yeah, maybe that’s what I will do. Maybe we can all even go together to the not-so-far Thai-Burma friendship bridge over the Thaungyin River, not to cross, but just to breathe the air and admire the landscape from the other side, where our real home lies. So close, yet so far.

I wish that someday I no longer need to go back to Thailand for my summers but instead to Burma and instead to Mandalay, my beautiful hometown.

I wish that someday, we can happily live in our land again with the freedom, dignity and prosperity that we all deserve.

Myat Theingi is a Trinity first-year from Burma. Her pieces typically run on alternate Wednesdays.

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