Duke professor to launch new academic TikTok, GPAs expected to hit record highs

Editor's note: The article below is satire.

The Supreme Court upheld the ban on the wildly popular social media video app TikTok this past Friday. Their decision came as a shock, causing students to panic about the loss of their primary source of educational content. The ban, prompted by accusations of the Chinese government spying on American users, conveniently became the top trending headline the day before our historic inauguration. At least America has its priorities straight.

Seeing an opportunity to save Duke's TikTok-educated masses, British-born Computer Science Professor J. Bailey submitted a grant proposal one hour before the app was banned and secured funding to start on an experimental app. This new app would combine academia with TikTok. Students spend more time on TikTok than studying for their exams, so why not combine the two?

Professor Bailey reckoned he'd enhance the app's features instead of tossing out what makes it "properly smashing." He promises that part of the new app will embody the spirit of TikTok by combining Facebook gossip, complaining tweens and infinite poor decision recaps after a night out. 

However, instead of the high usage time of TikTok dragging down GPAs, Professor Bailey says the new app will encourage even more hours of screen time, as each video must include an educational component, which will undoubtedly have students flocking to the new version. To unlock the app, the top-level security measure requires users to answer ten multiplication problems in under ten seconds. If locked out, students will be redirected to Khan Academy.

Out with the pointless choreographed dance videos and in with the Crazies assessing the chemicals in the blue body paint! Users can do anything from dancing to listening to snippets of a recorded lecture to reenacting the signing of the U.S. Constitution in the Gothic Reading Room. Students will tag their academically enhanced videos as #TaughtMeMoreThanMyTextbook, #StressedAndBlessed, #KhanAcademyKickout and #MyOnlyHomeworkIsThisVideo.

The app's success has other departments clamoring to join what Bailey calls "The Educational Revolution 2.0." The math department chair, tired of students calling calculus "too boring," demanded all theorems be explained through rap battles. He claims that its integration by parts just "hits different" when it's put to a beat. The economics department also wanted in and is advocating for a special video filter to explain the difference between "margin" and "markup." 

A select group of students, the "WU Crew," first made famous as scouts for Duke’s underground sports gambling ring, are the only students who've seen the app’s blueprint. Their main concern is the app’s ban on celebrity content, leading to students boycotting his new app. Bailey's solution: British celebrities only. The approved list includes E. Watson, H. Golding, N. Galitzine and his favorite, S. Ashley. Students can appeal to add other U.K.-based celebrities through a formal petition requiring a thesis on why their chosen celebrity embodies at least three academic disciplines.