Editor's note: The article below is satire.
A recent poll of the student body has Duke Athletics in a frenzy, as it showed 90% of students felt the tenting test focused too much on basketball-related knowledge. Many cited the entry test as not "accessible" to the masses. They argue that it is used to punish the non-basketball-fan students who only want to attend this one game.
Duke Athletics administrators assured these students not to worry, as the tests in the last several years have already become more obscure with social media posts and sponsorship deals, steering clear of actual basketball information about the Blue Devil hoops team. Half of last year’s test was replaced with pop culture questions, but it wasn’t enough. Duke Athletics will now take full control to ensure the 2025-2026 test will have even less sports content.
Many complaining students' current lack of knowledge has ranged from thinking the AP Poll refers to how many advanced classes they took in high school to not understanding that "field goal" does not mean that a football kicker will take the court. An administrator said they couldn’t risk basketball knowledge being a barrier to university interest by asking questions about statistics or game history either.
Over the weekend, the University's President and the head of Duke Athletics reflected on how the 2024-2025 tenting test is heading in the right direction. They were happy when they saw the question about the hottest player's prom date's dress color from 2019, claiming that this helps lay the foundation for what topics future K-Ville tenters can expect. It was blue, in case you were wondering.
For the new tests in January 2026 and beyond, Duke Athletics hopes to add categories such as players' eye colors, astrological charts and 20-character childhood Wi-Fi passwords. They are also adamant about keeping current wholesome content going, such as the overly invasive personal life questions that are asked about the players.
However, after some protests, the head of Duke Athletics caved and allowed other administrators to offer an option for the fans who actually care about the game of basketball and the history of Duke men's basketball. These administrators argued that they couldn't completely alienate the 10% of students who were basketball fans who went to games all season. This led to a solution of adding three more K-Ville tents for these "men's basketball enthusiasts."
Students who feel that they can demonstrate their extensive Duke men's basketball knowledge can choose to take a special version of the tenting test. The top 36 students will qualify for one of these three tents. The only catch is these basketball-intelligent fans have to agree to be pushed into the back corner of the student section if they want into the game. In a related story, it is rumored that Duke Athletics turned down Nike’s offer to make a three-story tent for the 36 superfans.
Finally, to the new Class of 2029 (congratulations, by the way!!), some of the players for the 2025-2026 season have already committed, so it's never too early to start studying!
Monday Monday would like to say sorry in advance to other tenters if this author just "poked the bear" before the second test. Still, GTHC ;)
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