Editor's note: The article below is satire.
Duke is unveiling its own "Starbucks secret menu" of classes, if you will. Last night, the University dropped dozens of new courses on DukeHub, the website students use to register for their classes. I wanted to beat the University News section of The Chronicle to the punch and tell my loyal readers about the new offerings as soon as I found out.
Equipped with two Red Bulls and a packet of peanut M&M’s, I combed through hundreds of classes so that you don’t have to, to find the new ones for you. While there were around 30 new listings, I picked out the top four that truly set Duke apart from other schools.
How to Find It — A Study in Female Anatomy: GFS 169
Friedl Building 107, MWF 1:25-3:55 p.m.
Watching the last 10 minutes of "Bridgerton" Season 3, Episode 4, is the only homework students can expect before starting the course. Throughout the semester, students get to do case studies on the aforementioned "Bridgerton" or the bedroom scenes in "Game of Thrones." While lecture-based, this class will surely get your mind juices tingly!
Additionally, the professor has warned the Wellness Center to expect more appointments after Unit 1, "Knowing the Zones," is over. This class is a Gender Feminist Studies course.
The Art of Being Funny: THEATRST 215
Bryan Center 104, MWF 10:05-11:20 a.m.
Ever find yourself blankly staring at someone and confused about why they’re not laughing at your joke about the claustrophobic astronaut? This professor has you covered. She’ll tell you if your jokes seem to be AI-generated, written by a corny dad, or from a Laffy Taffy wrapper.
There will also be exercises in what situations are okay to laugh in and which are not. If you don’t know whether to laugh or not when someone trips and drops their plate of food, this is the class for you! And by the way, the astronaut just needed some space.
Circus Fusion: PHYSEDU 699
Wilson Recreation Center 125, MW 8:30-11 a.m.
Pilates and Intro to Golf, prepare to be dethroned to Duke’s newest physical education class: Circus Fusion. This intensive exercise course will train students to ride unicycles, fire-breathe, and survive being shot out of a cannon. Duke tried to get an elephant for students to train, but a PETA person threatened to sue for animal abuse. While it is a grad-level class, undergraduate students can test in by juggling ten basketballs simultaneously.
Applying General Education Requirements to Your Life: SOC 356
Social Sciences Building 117, TTh 11:45 a.m.- 1 p.m.
This class will help you figure out anything from how to apply "Hamlet" to your family relationships to how to use your sophomore research paper on "why squirrels on college campuses are more aggressive than their forest counterparts" to land a job on Wall Street. The professor promises to highlight how improper verb conjugation in your French class won’t prevent you from successfully ordering coffee in Paris. She also will show you how to use the periodic table in everyday settings.
This course will have ten major essays throughout the semester to capture the essence of the busy work in a quintessential Gen Ed class.
You’re welcome. Now, go get the Nutella Frappuccino from the Starbucks secret menu. It’s delicious.
Monday Monday would like to inform pre-med students that the "How to Find It" course can now replace the required anatomy course.
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