Our desire to be loved can be deadly

"If I gave up on being pretty I wouldn’t know how to be alive."

This lyric from Mitski’s Brand New City has haunted me since the day I heard it. It felt like a punch in the gut. Or maybe a slap awake. The song tells the story of a young woman who feels stuck in her ways, tired of reinventing herself to please the people around her. Contorting into reflections of other people has become her habit. Her true identity has been done away with. While I could harp on the pitfalls of chasing an impossible standard of beauty, I believe the song’s core theme is tied to a larger truth: the desire to be loved is both universal and deadly.

The desire to be loved is a core ingredient of being human. We yearn to be accepted, to be together, for there to be an "us." So, as we find our way in the world, we slowly do away with the traits that don’t please the people around us. Sometimes, this is necessary. It’s self-growth or perhaps even evolution. But more often, it’s self-erosion. It’s the erasure of core traits, a misled rejection of quirks that made a person so wonderfully singular. We project these new, less interesting versions of ourselves into the world to seek approval. We feign nonchalance, we buy the same bag as that girl on the bus, and we slowly let ourselves disappear. 

But to contort into a depthless version of you is to deny yourself the fullness of your own humanity. It is to put your life’s purpose in the hands of strangers, to let them be the arbiters of your identity. Mitski’s words made me realize I often live for other people. My day is too often driven by making sure people like me. While of course, people make life worth living, allowing your enjoyment to be dictated by others’ opinions is a path destined for resentment and exhaustion.

Chasing shallow acceptance will never truly satiate. Real acceptance comes from surrender. A sort of agreement of vulnerability between two people. It can take many forms. Maybe it’s a friend bringing you soup when you’re sick. Maybe it’s your mom listening to you vent over Facetime. Maybe it’s sitting in silence together because it was a rough day and you just want some company. It could be a knowing smile in a coffee shop. It could be a squeeze of a hand when things get bad. It’s these awkward attempts of connection that we’re truly hungry for. For someone to look at us, see our flaws, and still say "yes." For to be loved is to be known. In our ugly entirety.

We are messy creatures rife with imperfection. There is no use in pretending otherwise. 

So, it is time to lean into the risk of being you. Whether that means getting that haircut you’ve been too scared to get or wearing that outfit you’ve been saving in the back of your closet. Maybe it’ll be uncomfortable. Maybe people will treat you differently. But maybe you will truly live. Finally on your own terms. 

Susan Chemmanoor is a Trinity sophomore.