Twelve easy steps to prepare for the coming dictatorship

Having spent years in African, European and Asian countries ruled by dictators, we never used to appreciate the stress our friends experienced before their Presidential elections. Typically, we avoided these periods, but occasionally our visits overlapped with election season. Whether in person, or listening to our friends’ experiences, we have learned some lessons that some might feel are unusually helpful in this moment.

Many people of different political persuasion, believe we are, or will soon be, living under dictatorship here in the United States. Earlier this year, political commentator George Will decried in the Washington Post, “Joe Biden is, like Trump, an authoritarian recidivist mostly stymied by courts.” 

Last November, in the same newspaper, political scientist Robert Kagan published an op-ed titled, "a Trump dictatorship is increasingly inevitable" and argued, "the odds of the United States falling into dictatorship have grown considerable because so many of the obstacles to it have been cleared."  

And this was before the Supreme Court’s July decision that the U.S. president has criminal immunity for all “official acts.” Many are afraid that the table is set for the first American emperor to ascend the throne.

Malarky, you say!  We live in the world’s oldest republic — the cradle of liberal democracy. Our president is known as the leader of the free world. Only the most unhinged have ever worried about a king in America. You know, like John Adams, our second President, who responded to accusations of his own authoritarian streak with, "there never was a democracy yet that did not commit suicide."

All these serious people, past and present, are obviously not serious. After all, we might be scared enough to act, if we believed the U.S. could fall into dictatorship. But just to humor all this annoying pessimism, we provide twelve easy steps to help you prepare for the transition to dictatorship.

1. Stop worrying about fake news. With dictatorship comes the death of the free press. Things will be simpler with only one propaganda channel to choose from.
2. Clear spaces on your walls at home and work (and preferably in your car and in your wallet). With dictatorship comes tests of loyalty. The most basic signal is to display the picture of your new dictator prominently. This way, the new regime knows you are aware you are always being watched and thinking of the dear leader.
3. Get rid of your bullhorn and poster board. With dictatorship comes the end of government sanctioned opposition protests. You will not need to worry about your freedom to assemble or with whom to register your peaceful protest.
4. Don’t get too close to your professors or protesting friends. With dictatorship comes the harassment and disappearances of opposition leaders. There will be no speedy trials but plenty of time for long, hard labor.   
5. Get a lawn chair. With new dictators comes looting. You might think a weapon will help you, but as our friends say, “eventually, a gun runs out of bullets. It’s safer to welcome looters with open arms and wait in comfort as they take all your belongings.”
6. Get a wheelbarrow. With dictatorship comes inflation. If the post-pandemic seven percent inflation jump in the U.S. just rocked your world — imagine one-hundred or one-hundred-thousand percent inflation that occurs in autocratic states. Our friends strongly recommend a wheelbarrow for carrying stacks of money when shopping. 
7. Stay close to your family but stop worrying about saving money. With dictatorship comes economic stagnation and unemployment. Any money you might make will have to be shared among struggling family members.
8. Stop upgrading your tech. With dictatorship comes massive corruption. Infrastructure, like roads, electricity, and the internet, will be crippled as funds are siphoned away to build palaces and playgrounds for regime members.
9. Get to know your local police or join the military. With dictatorship comes a flood of injustice. To save your friends or family from jail or even worse you will need to know how to bribe corrupt officials — the odds are even better if you are one.
10. Forget everyone being equal. With dictators comes the most extreme forms of inequality. Embrace notions that different groups are superior or inferior — make sure to identify with the majority group that will think they are superior and more human than other out of power groups.
11. Don’t worry about voting. With dictators come single party sham elections. Voting can no longer change any policies or who is in power. Cancel your appointments downtown for weeks before and after these “elections”. Any opposition will be greeted with violence.
12. Flee the country.  With dictators comes hopelessness and flight of talent. Join other super talented citizens of your country and find a home with more democratic norms so you don’t need step 1-11 to survive (Sweden, Finland and Norway currently top the list of most democratic countries).  

Follow these twelve easy steps and you too can live your life in a constant state of mild panic. Or you can vote, encourage others to vote or help folks get to the voting booth so they can vote.