"They're eating the dogs, they're eating the cats…" Well, you know the rest. This anthem has been circling the internet after word spread of ACC college mascots trying to eat the puppies in Duke's Puppy Kindergarten. Duke suspects foul play from jealousy after a documentary about the Puppy Kindergarten was released on Netflix this summer.
Last-minute efforts to save the pups included attempting to hire 19 bodyguards, one for each remaining puppy. I was lucky enough to be invited to see a session of 50 people, ranging from beefy to twig-like, being placed through the rigorous tryout. I was shocked that instead of testing security protocols and being assigned a dog to watch over, the University used unconventional screening methods to select their guards.
The potential guards first had to practice a dramatic side roll, accompanied by action music, under the K-ville sign. Six guards didn't have dramatic enough rolls or couldn't fit under the sign, so they got the boot. Luckily, they got to chow down on some Hi-Chews, the official fruit chew of Duke Athletics, while they watched the rest of the potential guard cohort go through testing.
As I took a small sip from the 6-ounce water bottle provided for the 8-hour tryouts, I saw University officials start chucking unclaimed packages from the package center at the people trying out in Cameron Indoor Stadium. Some knew to duck, but one unlucky girl got hit in the face with a box of new Peach Star Golden Goose shoes. Ouch.
She covered her bloody nose and tried to run down a hall to find a bathroom but unknowingly attempted to enter the sacred hall that the basketball players ran out of. It, unfortunately, activated a laser security system, equipped with axes from all angles, that cut off some of her ponytail. She voluntarily left the tryouts, mumbling, "My father won’t be donating anymore!"
Soon after, the remaining 43 candidates entered Wallace Wade Stadium, where they got to play with the puppies before they "pref’d" their top dog, sorority style. Pepsi the Puppy was a fan favorite, but Poppy was a close second. After that, everyone got in line for the final two tests to prove they could protect their favorite puppy.
The next task was multi-stepped: catch a pass from a ball machine, pelt it at a puppy-stealing mascot, and tackle it before it steals the puppy. Failing to catch the ball will lead to a 10-second penalty delay in running to get the mascot. A cocky, classic "he peaked in high school" man sauntered up to the ball, ready to protect his puppy, Sadie.
Right as the man was catching the ball, Stanford's weird tree mascot made an early break, ran out of the stadium tunnel and jumped on the pup before the man could throw the ball.
Slightly confused, he dropped the ball, leaped on the Tree and attempted to tear off its sewn-in leaves before officials told him he was disqualified for not first hitting the mascot with the ball.
During the water break, the former head Men’s Basketball Coach demanded they care for the dogs as much as he does his own, drill sergeant-style. One of the people saluted the coach, and the others quickly followed. The coach rolled his eyes with one final "they're hopeless" to the officials overlooking the tryouts. Thirty more people were cut, leaving only 13 guards to protect the 19 puppies.
Now, it was time for their final test: identifying restaurants in the student dining hall, Western Union, that would be safe for the puppies. Some of the guards ran around to look at the freshness of meat and produce offered, but the diamond in the rough 24-year-old, Aden, wrote down, "They all have chocolate, so none," and lounged at a table near the entrance until the search was over. Everyone except Aden was cut for their lack of identification of deadly foods. However, after a University Official overheard Aden saying that he hoped more puppies would be eaten to make his job easier, he was fired on the spot.
In the end, no one met the strict criteria the Puppy Kindergarten wanted for their previously unguarded puppies. The University's president was heard whispering that he was glad the Puppy Kindergarten would be out of the administration’s hands. He said that he is considering selling the dogs to Disney to star in their next Air Bud film.
Monday Monday heard that the working title for the beer pong tournament-inspired sports movie is "Air Bud: Solo Cup."
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