In a shocking breach of multifactor authentication, a confidential document outlining the university's plans to boost student voter turnout has been leaked on X, formerly known as Twitter. The document, apparently intended for release by the University’s President via flyers in Krafthouse, explains a voting initiative Duke is implementing starting in mid-October.
The main incentive will be a 1% tuition discount for every student who votes. When approached for comment, Duke's Vice Provost for Student Affairs, who wished to remain anonymous, said, "Look, we're already spending an average of 20 students' tuition on constantly resodding the quad grass. And Duke Athletics pays students hundreds of dollars to come to their football games, so what's another million in the name of democracy?"
Students who vote will also earn a second prize to help their stomachs after helping their country: “I Voted” stickers are worth 50 food points. Finally, here is a way to get dessert in The Commons without lying that it is someone’s birthday.
In addition, the document outlines a list of prizes students can get for referring students to vote. The referral is logged by entering the student’s Unique ID.
If they get five other students to vote, they’ll be entered into a raffle to earn a coveted spot in Miracle Lot. An electric fence surrounded by barbed wire will be put around the parking spot to keep Bird scooters away.
If they get twenty other students, they will be entered into a raffle to rename Cameron Indoor Stadium. The University’s President predicts that a top contender will be “Scheyer’s Erotica XPalace” after a Psych 101 survey found that the number one place for students to find a hookup is with the person they’re accidentally grinding on when “we jump on defense.”
However, it also warns that all students who don’t vote will be forced to take a new T-Req course: Patriotism 101. This class has traditionally only been seen in the SEC. Student reactions have been mixed. Sophomore Math major Rachel Adams groaned at the news. “I can barely stay awake in my current classes. If I wanted to learn about the origin of eagles in the United States, I would’ve gone to Boston College.” Self-proclaimed party animal Junior Kyle Brooks III gushed, “1% tuition discount, that’s like, what, 500 bucks? That can pay for a few more kegs for Waynestock!”
The document includes details on a 'Great Patriotism Contest.' Students who demonstrate the most patriotic spirit (goodbye, Cameron Crazies, hello, Voting Vixens) through activities like hanging up a range of flags – from Confederate to Pride – will earn one food point per flag. The University’s President also notes that in an attempt to breach bipartisanship, only whole milk will be available in the dining halls, as soy milk has been deemed too divisive.
It concludes with a cryptic message: "Finally, imagine: do you want a packed election night Shooters to be Charli XCX brat-coded, or would you prefer dry-humping a stranger while the leaked Project 2025 videos play on a loop?" When pressed for clarification on what the British singer has to do with an American election, the visibly confused University President muttered something about "those darn dancing TikToks" before hurriedly ending the interview.
As the Duke community grapples with the content of this leaked document, one thing is clear: democracy has never looked so lucrative. International and underage students can be heard already practicing their eagle calls for the first Patriotism 101 midterm.
But in all seriousness, Vote, Vote, Vote. Election day is on November 5th. Show them we can rig the system by getting the free Locopops they hand out outside of Karsh after you vote. Let's do the damn thing and win this election.
Monday Monday wants to remind students that voting more than once for extra Locopops is illegal in most states. They heavily recommend that students wait for a free popsicle on LDOC instead.
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