Editor's note: This article discusses substance use and addiction.
My go-to breakfast was a small cappuccino, a bowl or two of weed and a generous number of vape hits.
At the time, it felt like the perfect start to the day. It got me energized, motivated and wired-in, ready to face whatever the day had ahead. Despite the inevitable annihilation of my gut health and endocrine system, there were other issues at hand. That bowl or two of weed for breakfast became a bowl or two for lunch and dinner. That devolved into me sessions in between meals. Eventually, all this descended into pure chaos where I was hitting weed or nicotine every chance I could.
And that wasn’t even the main problem. Like the now non-existent dodo bird, I similarly obliterated my high into extinction. Long gone were the days of calm, euphoria and that tasteful altered state of consciousness. No matter how much or how frequently I stimulated myself, I pretty much felt the exact same. I was devastatingly paralyzed.
It was like tasting a buffet of the heavens and then suddenly losing all my taste buds before I could go back for seconds. Instead of doing the logical thing — taking a break and building a more responsible relationship with intoxicants and stimulants — I doubled down and desperately sought after that high. I experienced it before so I can and will experience it again, I told myself. Hour after hour, day after day, I kept trying to get high, to no avail. I was falling further into a deep abyss.
“The best way to overcome an addiction is by getting addicted to something else.”
Right? Well, kind of...
I took inspiration from Beethoven. Plagued by deep mental health troubles, trauma, alcoholism and deafness, he took refuge in music. He proclaimed he would live for his art and his art only, and then went on to become the undisputed GOAT of music (yes, I said undisputed). So, with that in mind, in not nearly as dramatic a fashion, I followed suit and got into music. This was a transformative period where I fell in love with and immersed myself in the art and craft of music making. Channeling that energy and craving into art actually filled me with a higher sense of joy and euphoria — the feelings that drugs weren’t giving me anymore.
I also made attempts to focus and work on my health, by incorporating more sports, gym training and yoga into my daily life. So, indeed getting “addicted” to something that is more healthy, fulfilling and productive for myself was a great way to overcome “lower” addictions.
But there’s a catch: I’m an idiot.
Instead of replacing my drug addiction with a more productive passion, I ended up combining the two. My new hobbies became the perfect stadium to host and foster my drug use. I used drugs to fuel my musical-making process, and I got hooked on the sensation of working out when high. Furthermore, I was starting to develop a mentally unhealthy relationship with my passions; I excessively strived for new heights and was disheartened when that didn’t happen, and also became dependent on them for my daily happiness.
New addictions weren’t working, and this made me realize that the problem wasn’t what I did or didn’t do. There’s something deeper underlying this whole issue: my personal and strictly internal sense of well-being. All the posters say happiness comes from within, and I had experienced this the hard way.
I committed myself to working on myself, which found expression in the development of meditation practice. This was initially challenging: It was impossible to keep my mind from distractions, and I’d quickly get anxious. Despite these hurdles, I stayed consistent as I felt immediate improvements in both focus and calmness. I progressively increased the duration of my meditations, and started experimenting with different forms of the practice. I dove deep into simple practices such as breath work and silent contemplation, as well as explorative practices such as creative visualizations and chanting “mantras” (a string of sound believed to encapsulate beneficial energies). The result? A high that drugs could never rival. A high without a low, which filled me with peace and bliss.
In the ancient yogic tradition, they believe the body is the ultimate machine that can produce all the chemicals we may want or need. With modern science, studies have shown that not only are endorphins released in meditation, but eventually your brain functioning itself changes. What’s more, DMT, a psychedelic compound famously dubbed the “spirit molecule,” is also produced in the human brain.
No matter your goals, be it wellness, improving mental cognition or a deeper spiritual connection, I believe meditation is a practice everyone can benefit from. If you’re stuck on how to start, I would try this: Sit in a quiet place, close your eyes, and slow and deepen your breathing. Try to exhale twice as long as you inhale. The slowness and the inhale-exhale ratio relax your entire system and calm the mind. Naturally, your mind will wander into thoughts; just gently take it back to your rhythmic breathing. I also like to visualize beautiful things in my heart area such as a red lotus or an orb of golden light.
You may not be inclined towards meditation, and that’s okay as well. Activities such as running or singing, just to name a few, produce these same effects. Inner wellness is a personal exploration which need not be confined to one practice or the other. With a bit of time, a lot of discipline and a sheer love of mindfulness practice, I saw all my toxic habits and external dependencies naturally fall away.
For me, meditation, music and working out gave me the outlets I needed to work through my addiction. You may be neither addicted nor into meditation, but whatever may be holding you back emotionally and mentally — with a little time and effort — will give way to a healthier and more joyous life.
Arya Krishnan is a Trinity senior. His pieces typically run on alternate Fridays.
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