A student once told me that the hardest thing she had to do upon arriving in the U.S. was ordering at Subway. "Like the sandwich shop?" I asked. Perhaps I paused too long or she could see it on my face that I didn’t quite understand what she meant. She went on to explain that you have to go down the line very quickly and state exactly what you’d like. There was no mobile ordering at the time! The challenge, I quickly realized, was that vegetables below in the refrigerated display case aren’t labeled and ingredients like banana peppers aren’t common throughout the world. And dressings? Thousand Island? Garlic aioli or Smoky BBQ? These are not common in language textbooks or even in American TV shows.
No doubt as you thought about joining Duke, you pictured images of the Chapel, Duke Gardens, listening to music with new friends in your dorm, the energy in Cameron or the spiritual feeling you can’t help but notice when the organ is playing in Duke Chapel. What you probably did not think about is feeling out of place, confused or maybe even that Duke is the wrong fit.
Feelings like these are completely normal. Too often, we keep these feelings hidden because we don’t want to appear weak — or, because we’ve worked so so hard to get here, we feel like we should be grateful and just "keep it together" for the sake of other people. Don’t do that. YOU and your feelings matter.
Among the graduate students I work with, no one is going to walk through the cafeteria proclaiming loudly how they can’t get an interview for a job. No one is sending chats on the group text that they’re having trouble focusing on studying. Or that they didn’t do as well as they wanted on the homework assignment that they really enjoyed doing. Or that they expected to make really good friends instantly and they feel lonely. So just because you don’t see those things, it doesn’t mean your peers are thriving and you are not. Do not pretend everyone has their lives together and that imposter syndrome is not here.
Instead, acknowledge it and try hard not to perpetuate it. A computer science class might not come easily to you but maybe French does. Or perhaps you cannot easily keep up with the Zumba moves in your gym class, but maybe you are a loyal friend. Maybe you haven’t had a chance to showcase your ability to cook curry, or have the time to get back to playing the guitar, or you left your painting supplies at home. Maybe it’s not about the skills you have or don’t have but maybe it’s your passion, inspiration, and dedication to learning. As obvious as it might be, remember you are good at many many things.
You are at Duke to learn. You aren’t here simply to take a test and prove you are good at taking tests. You’re here to grow as a person.
If you need a reminder, talk to your parents, friends or re-read your application. Another useful exercise is starting a gratitude journal. Simply write down a sentence or two each day about what you’re grateful for or what brought joy. Maybe it is a grade in a class, a new friend, but maybe it’s that you remembered to leave your apartment with an umbrella before the rain started.
If you are a new student to Duke and haven’t spent much time in the United States, please give yourself time and self-compassion. Adjustment isn’t meant to happen instantly. Change can be both exciting and hard at the same time. You’re in a new physical space, among new people and in a new academic environment. That’s a lot of things to learn and adapt to!
Ask for help even about small things. A great simple conversation starter can simply be, "Hi, I’ve never eaten at this restaurant before. Have you? What would you recommend? Or what are you feeling about the first few weeks of this class?"
If you’re looking to have a meaningful conversation, try to ask something that isn’t just yes or no as an answer. It may sound hard at first, but if someone asks, “Hey, how are you?”, try not to always dismiss the question with an "I’m fine." Be honest and authentic. It’s ok to say "today feels challenging." Similarly, if today is a great day, say why, even if it’s small — "I’m having a good day because I got a great study space at the library." This will help you feel more grounded and connected to your new space and to the community you are meant to be a part of.
Dr. Alistar Erickson-Ludwig (MEM ‘12) is the Assistant Dean for the Master of Quantitative Management Program at the Fuqua School of Business. Her personal research focuses on the academic adjustment of international students.
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