In a TikTok released Sunday by President of Duke Dining Rob Boned, Duke Dining revealed that Paltrow’s Pantry would become the new Chef’s Kitchen pop-up featuring a menu of exclusively kale salad and ozempic.
A valiant campaign run by Vegan Supremacy, an activist club on campus, played a key role in the pop-up being chosen to replace “A Taste of New Orleans.” Senior Eyeluv Rats, president of Vegan Supremacy, said he believes Duke students are too worried about “bulking and hitting the gym,” often forgetting about the chickens, cows and pigs harmed in their pursuits of improving their “mid physique.”
Paltrow’s Pantry will serve as a “haven for wellness amid toxicity,” according to sophomore Aurora McZenjoy, “Mother” of new student group The Wellness Family.
The Wellness Family has been campaigning to purge the unhealthy levels of carbohydrates and additives consumed by mid-physic people wearing cheap synthetic fabrics.
“Every time you eat processed foods, you lower your internal frequency, increasing your chances of demonic possession by 6.66%,” said first-year Luna Tic, Wellness Family “scientist.” According to McZenjoy, the menu items — kale and Ozempic — offer students an opportunity to detox and practice the mindful eating habits necessary to cleanse WU’s “bad vibes.”
Duke students who are opposed to the Wellness Family expressed disdain over the Paltrow’s Pantry installment. Jack Smith, one of several students reporting personal attacks by the Wellness Family, was picking up breadsticks at Il Forno this February when an unnamed Wellness brother cornered him.
“He just kept telling me to drop the breadsticks, and when I said no he yelled that my ‘artificial lifestyle was damaging the fabric of society,’” Smith said. “I just wanted to eat my breadsticks in peace.”
However, the opposition to the Wellness Family and Paltrow’s Pantry is far and few between, as several other campus entities have voiced their support.
Duke President Fincent Spice issued a statement in support of the opening of Paltrow’s Pantry, saying that the venture will bring Duke closer to its Climate Commitment. Spice expects that students opting for Ozempic will limit the amount of food consumption students need and force them to choose green alternatives if “for some reason they are still hungry.”
Duke administration has recently been receiving hate for undermining the University’s Climate Commitment after their decision to close the Duke Herbarium, a leading program in biodiversity research. Spice hopes that this dining move will “show that we are really committed to our mother Earth.”
Editor's Note: Happy April Fools' Day! In case you couldn't tell, this was a story for our satirical edition, The Chomicle. Check out more Chomicle stories here, guaranteed to make you laugh, or at least cry.
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