Duke is officially decommitting from its Climate Commitment after a year and a half of working diligently to make a negligible contribution to international decarbonization efforts.
The announcement came in a Saturday Fizz post made by “Anonymous,” who was revealed to be President Fincent Spice.
“climate commitment over lol rip, fince out” read the post, which received 1,400 upvotes.
“We realized nobody actually gave a sh*t, so we were just like, why bother?” said Youssles Byurrow Kratt, senior associate dean and managerial director of administrative media relations and internal communications and external releases and phone answering and coffee fetching and other such things.
After pausing to complete the day’s New York Times Connections, Kratt added that the University will be hosting a formal Climate Decommitment announcement on April 22 in honor of the Duke Centennial.
The Earth Day celebration will feature remarks by prominent Duke alumni, including O’Yull Barron, chief executive officer of Exxin Static; Bow Mansion, congressional representative for West Virginia’s second district; and, for some reason, former Duke men’s basketball head coach Mike Krzyzewski again.
There students will have the opportunity to win exciting prizes like an elephant ivory chess set, a year’s supply of whale steaks and a barrel of oil. The event will be emceed by renowned comedian Kenjamin Jong, Kratt said.
For the most part, students responded lukewarmly to the news.
“Oh, yeah, I guess that’s interesting,” said senior Enviro-Sci Major. “Honestly, I didn’t know we had a climate commitment in the first place. Is that why they put that fancy new recycling thing in the Bryan Center?”
However, others were stronger proponents of the University’s decision. Junior Faik Nuse expressed her support for the move, pointing to the recent cooler temperatures as a sign that reducing carbon emissions is an unnecessary hassle.
“Before I went home for spring break, it was 60 degrees out,” Nuse said. “Now it’s back in the 40s and 50s every day. Riddle me that, liberals!”
The University initially received $36 million in 2022 to support its climate commitment initiatives. Kratt disclosed that the remaining funds would be redirected to installing cushioned seats in the student section of Wallace Wade Stadium.
“Our top priority is to act in the best interest of the student body,” Kratt said. “At the end of the day, we feel nothing could be more important than reminding our students that we’re still a football school.”
The announcement was followed by the news that plans to clear-cut the Duke Forest are in the works, as University administration moves to replace the tract with new athletic training facilities in the hopes of enticing coaching staff to stay with the program.
Editor's Note: Happy April Fools' Day! In case you couldn't tell, this was a story for our satirical edition, The Chomicle. Check out more Chomicle stories here, guaranteed to make you laugh, or at least cry.
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