Duke finalized its decision to close the Duke Herbarium and revealed plans Sunday to convert the facility into a dispensary.
The project will be spearheaded by Duke Student Affairs in an effort to boost morale amid reports of low attendance at QuadEx events, which are described by students as “super lame.”
“We’re not sure why students aren’t hanging out on campus,” said Marty Party, executive curator of the student experience. “Who would’ve guessed that when we kicked the frats out, they would take all the parties with them?”
The dispensary will be staffed by volunteers with DukeLine — Duke’s student-led counseling service for Line Monitors struggling with overwhelming feelings of self-hatred and general uselessness. Campus Enterprises is reportedly developing an app that will connect buyers to student athletes who will make weed deliveries on scooters directly to residence halls.
The dispensary service will be connected to DukeCard accounts, allowing students to purchase products using food points. For an extra fee, basketball star and TikTok sensation Jarod McCarty will make the delivery personally and sing a song of the user’s choosing upon receipt.
When asked about how the facility will be able to operate in light of North Carolina’s strict laws against marijuana sale, cultivation and possession, Party just shrugged and said, “We’re Duke, since when do we care about what happens off-campus? They can’t touch us.”
However, not everyone in the Duke community is thrilled by the change.
Many faculty members in the biology department reported being “blindsided” by the decision, saying that they felt "hurt and betrayed" that "no one else at this school cares about our massive collection of old moss and leaves.”
“First the curriculum changes and now this — it really feels like the University does not prioritize the sciences,” said another professor whose name The Chomicle does not remember.
Upon being informed during the interview that the University administration also recently decided to de-commit from its Climate Commitment, the faculty member resigned on the spot.
When asked why faculty were not included in the decision-making process, President Fincent Spice responded by saying he “didn’t even know we had a Biological Sciences building” and promising to get to work drawing up plans to demolish that too.
Students were unconvinced about the renovation’s merits, attributing the move to misguided administrative planning rather than genuine interest in student well-being.
“I honestly feel like it’s just an excuse to give them another project now that the construction on Abele Quad is finished. What was the point of all that anyway?” asked junior Tree Huggar.
Vice President for Facilities Sue Parvillion declined The Chomicle’s request for comment and instead just rubbed her hands together maliciously while sporting a nefarious grin.
The dispensary is projected to open April 2025, just in time to provide its essential services to prospective new students visiting for Blue Devil Days in a last-ditch effort to get them to choose Duke and hopefully pay full tuition.
Editor's Note: Happy April Fools' Day! In case you couldn't tell, this was a story for our satirical edition, The Chomicle. Check out more Chomicle stories here, guaranteed to make you laugh, or at least cry.
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