Duke to climate commit 'even harder'

Leaders of the world convened this past week at the annual U.N. General Assembly in New York to discuss pressing global issues. Following lengthy debate, the heads of 200 countries came together to agree: All eyes are on Duke to solve climate change.

With the unveiling of the Duke Climate Commitment just under a year ago, university officials are alarmed that the millions of dollars invested so far have seemingly had no impact on climate change predictions. Back-to-back tropical storms have hammered North Carolina for the last few weeks, and Duke community members are worried that no amount of President Price walking around the Duke Forest can save us.

In response, Sustainable Duke unveiled their new, ambitious, innovative initiative: Duke Climate Commitment 2: Climate Commit Even Harder. 

The announcement took place with a press event Sunday evening, the ribbon cutting ceremony taking place at a new golf course where Central Campus used to be. “Now is the time for bold action,” said President Vinny P., pausing to take a swig of his Fiji water, “This is an unprecedented time for the state of our world. We are in an existential crisis. So we are going to Climate Commit, and we are going to do it hard. Harder than ever before.”

The plan involves cross-collaboration between several different departments at Duke, as well as several millions of dollars set aside for consultants to make fancy plans with no money set aside for implementation.

Part of the Commit Even Harder initiative involves tripling the production of tote screen printing events on BC Plaza. “Duke Arts is doing all that we can to combat climate change by promoting cottagecore totebag culture,” wrote the arts organization in their press release, which was scrawled in multicolored script across the East Campus bridge. 

HRL is stepping up with individual incentives to meet the Climate Commitment: Every resident who recycles at least two pounds of plastic a week will be given a free LocoPop. HRL also cited plastic reduction goals as the reason for many broken vending machines across campus. 

In an effort to reduce emissions, Duke Parking and Transportation will discontinue the usage of any Duke-owned vehicle that is not electric, and replace the C1 route with a handcar that will be propelled by students. To accommodate students who will now need to drive to class, Duke will open two new LEED-certified parking garages on the site of what was once Duke Forest. 

Not to be outdone, Duke Dining is stepping up with their own slate of waste-combatting initiatives. All plastic straws have finally been outlawed. Instead, Duke students will be able to utilize the new “extra-green paper straws” developed by Pratt students that, in order to ease composting, instantly dissolve upon contact with any liquid. Dining additionally plans to triple the amount of composting bins that all get sent to the same trash pile anyway.

Duke Athletics is also taking a hit. Instead of bench burnings after the UNC game — described as “releasing harmful greenhouse gasses into the air” — students will now be invited to light their cell phone flashlights and engage in a sing-a-long to Everytime We Touch.

At the ribbon-cutting, Vinny P. called for unity among fraternities to join Duke in the fight against climate change. Each fraternity is welcomed to sign the “Prezzy Price Pledge” — a commitment to replace all red solo cups with paper cups during stack cup. In exchange, for every fraternity member that signs on, Duke plans to give one random student a reusable glass BORG jug that cannot be confiscated by social hosts. 

Radical activist group Duke Climate Coalition staged a protest outside the golf course during the conference. When asked about their demands, one spokesperson responded “We literally just want Duke to stop investing their money in fossil fuel companies.” Readers are warned not to approach this extremist organization.

Monday Monday spent the weekend cooling off from the summer sun by swimming in the puddles that form around East Campus every time it rained.