Surprise! It's April Fools' Day, which can only mean one thing: The Chronicle's evil, satirical twin, The Chomicle. This is the best reporting we've done all year!
So, why don't you take some time from standing in line for tickets to stuff and ChatGPTing your homework answers to check out this year's selection of not-at-all-award-winning* journalism?
'News'
QuadExes program to guarantee you are housed next door to your ex
“QuadEx’s focus was fostering a culture of inclusivity. Instead, we must foster a culture of toxicity,” said QuadExes Director Ivy Wannabee.
Student goes missing mysteriously after bringing PB&J into Marketplace
As the hours turn into days, concern surrounding Gnutt’s disappearance grows. So does the tension between the two factions on campus: those who could die from a peanut, and those who believe natural selection should take its course.
Ligma Mu to turn back the clock, hold anti-suffrage party
On April 1, the fraternity will host “DERATIFIED,” a pre-Nineteenth Amendment themed party. The event is scheduled to celebrate the end of March, which is nationally observed as Women’s History Month.
Duke to lift C1 mask mandate, will instead require passengers to hold breath
Bus drivers will have the ability to strap anyone who loses consciousness to the bike rack, along with the authority to forcibly remove anyone caught breathing on board.
Duke Dining removes food points, installs trade-and-barter system
When asked by The Chomicle for comment on what happens if a student runs out of items to trade, Coldbrew responded, “What are you, poor? This is Duke, figure it out yourself.”
‘Entirely original’: Student commencement speaker replaced with ChatGPT
"By using ChatGPT, we can ensure that the speech is super incomprehensive but entirely original to protect the Duke nation," said President Vinny Cost.
Duke to clear-cut Duke Forest, use paper for Climate Commitment ads
“The benefits of performative activism certainly outweighs the minimal damages of destroying a century-old, 7,000 acre forest that is essential to learning at Duke,” said Ronnie Stealmoney, head of the Climate Commitment.
Blue Devil revealed to be 8 lemurs in a trench coat
Director of Athletics Nunya Bing defended the move by stating that the actual human mascots were too burnt out, so they had to outsource to other primates.
'Sports'
Duke football to offer full-ride scholarships for students who attend all home games
Room and board not will be covered, but will include a free tent in Krzyzewskiville. This gift will also not cover parking, a food plan or any other non-tuition expense.
UN Human Rights Commission accuses line monitors of violating the Geneva Conventions, Universal Declaration of Human Rights
The line monitors are being investigated due to their “middle-of-the-night blaring sirens, stupid blue jackets and overall narc vibes,” United States UN representative B. Allbuster told The Chomicle.
'Recess'
Top 10 things to name your BORG before it gets confiscated in K-Ville
Use these Duke-themed BORG names to show your school spirit in a fresh, creative way!
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