Duke randomly selects one student to be burned, “as penance for the bench we lost”

I know what you’re thinking.

It’s just a bench? Some wood? A couple hours of unpaid labor? The kind of thing we used to do all the time when no one was paying attention?

But no. It’s not. Here at Duke, we have something we like to call “The Bencherhood.” And when one of our benches goes down (without us pre-approving the sacrifice based on which one had the most problematic tweets in 2014), the culprits must suffer the wrath of a thousand perfectly sanctioned and marshaled flames.

Read and rejoice: Duke has decided once again to commence ritual sacrifice against its transgressors.

For students new to the bench culture at Duke, this might sound a little crazy. But don’t worry, it’s just how we’ve always done things. We’re not crazy, you’re crazy.

Documents leaked to the Chronicle detailed some fancy financial footwork that will allow the university to fund an intricate and highly regulated community gathering that they are dubbing the “parT!” of 2022, since they cannot in good faith call their sad money sink a party. Ditching the ice sculptures for something students actually like, Dean Sue will be coming out of retirement to moderate the lottery drawing. The Dean is purportedly ecstatic to come back for one of our most cherished traditions, adding that “the extravagant wig and hairpiece was a really nice touch, and I really hope the odds are in your favor.”

Don’t worry. Leaving the unfair, knowledge based examination to enter K-Ville back in the 90s where it belongs, Duke admin has decided to make the process completely random. That’s right! You could be burned alive before you even get your Econ 201 midterm back.

You’re welcome.