Disaffiliated fraternities excited to finally break some rules

After decades of sterling compliance with University policies, Duke’s recently disaffiliated fraternities were “hype” to finally get to bend the rules, several members said.

The new Durham Outerfraternity Council acknowledged that painstakingly following the University’s anti-hazing regulations for years—all while taking on countless philanthropy projects to better the community—had gotten old, and that the decision to disaffiliate would allow them to explore a more rebellious side.

“Me and the boys would spend hours reading printouts of student conduct policy material, debating if an activity might be a Level I anti-hazing violation,” senior Vin Yardvines said. “I guess we’ll finally have time to do other stuff now.”

Some students speculated that fraternities, once solely devoted to forming wholesome friendships and raising money for worthwhile causes, might use their recent disaffiliation as an excuse to distance themselves from their compliant past.

“While that philanthropy thing we had at Chipotle last year did fully fund some drug that’s in Phase 3 trials, we’re kinda tired of shit like that,” junior Midad Wentere explained. “There has to be more to life than treating pledges like human beings deserving of love and respect, and we’re excited to find out what’s next.”

And fraternities aren’t waiting long to revamp their policies. Sigma Apple Pie, no longer hamstrung by its previous decency and graciousness, has already begun thinking about the best ways to degrade its prospective new members. 

“That Duke anti-hazing guide has some pretty sick ideas,” junior Igota Paddle said. “Maybe we’ll start off with making them wear apparel in poor taste, and work our way up to more debasing acts of humiliation like force-feeding them Skillet for lunch.” 

Editor's Note: Happy April Fools' Day! In case you couldn't tell, this was a story for our satirical edition, The Chomicle. Check out more Chomicle stories here, guaranteed to make you laugh or your money back.