Duke’s conservative sounds off on dining

Asked about his favorite dining location on campus, Duke’s Campus Republican gave his thoughts—on how oppressed conservatives are at Duke. 

“Well, I would say that I like Ginger and Soy, but I just feel like with a 85% liberal campus I just don’t think that my opinions would ever even make it into The Chomicle,” said Vin Yardvines.

While listing the pros and cons of Tandoor versus JB’s Roasts and Chops, Yardvines ended up concluding that Duke’s conservatives have no choice but to tailor their opinions to professors, preventing them from expressing their full selves while on campus. 

Asked for input on where he’d choose to eat at Marketplace, Yardvines bemoaned never being asked for his opinions, which he said would never be tolerated at a liberal bastion such as Duke.

“No one ever asks for what I think,” he said.

Asked whether he had any input, really just any input at all at this point, on dining and which restaurants he would recommend to an incoming first-year, Yardvines laid out a 15-minute explanation of why Duke’s conservatives are unable to ever, ever talk about their opinions.

Editor's Note: Happy April Fools' Day! In case you couldn't tell, this was a story for our satirical edition, The Chomicle. Check out more Chomicle stories here, guaranteed to make you laugh or your money back.