Every Duke student who checks their email knows that the emails from administrators Mary Pat Mahomes, Gory Bonnet and Johnny Appleshear got steadily more aggressive and specific in their call-outs as COVID-19 cases rose across campus. What you don’t know is those emails were not admin’s first choices. The Chomicle obtained the emails they left in drafts.
Subject: C’mon you douchebags, stop partying
Body: Dear asswipes,
Stop partying. Stop it. Seriously, we mean it. Stop it.
Why do you do this to us? We have provided the perfect atmosphere to attend Zoom classes, eat meals alone in your dorm and walk around but not in the Gardens. What else do you need? What urges you losers to flout the Compact in our faces while you drink warm beer in some apartment with some string lights?
Go take a COVID swab and stick it up your asses (since we know not all of you are actually sticking them up your noses).
Thank you all for your cooperation and sacrifice during these trying times. Go Duke!
Subject: John Smith, WE SAW YOU WITHOUT A MASK
Body: John Smith, yes YOU John in the Tinder brand ambassador shirt, we saw you pull your mask down to eat a sandwich on the BC Plaza—five and a half feet from your friend. I. SAW. YOU. You thought we didn’t know your name, punk? If you ever show your face on this campus again, we will super glue that mask to it.
Students, if you see this man, you have our permission to hit him with a baseball bat.
Thank you all for your cooperation and sacrifice during these trying times. Go Duke!
Subject: Wonder why the Gardens have been closed?
Body: We’ve had enough of y’all's bullshit. We test you, we give you smoothie gift cards, we send emails. And still, you keep getting COVID. We have no other choice but to take drastic measures.
Have you been wondering why the Duke Gardens have been closed all year, despite the fact that it’s entirely outside? It has nothing to do with performative measures to make Duke look safer.
Effective yesterday, if you test positive for COVID in the next two weeks, you will be kidnapped from your room and taken to our COVID pyre in the Gardens, where we will light you on fire.
We were hoping we wouldn’t have to use this pyre that we have been building for months, but alas, we have no other choice.
Thank you all for your cooperation and sacrifice during these trying times. Go Duke!
Editor's Note: Happy April Fools' Day! In case you couldn't tell, this was a story for our satirical edition, The Chomicle. Check out more Chomicle stories here, guaranteed to make you laugh or your money back.
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