Unable to stomach the possibility of an unproductive lockdown week, students sprung into action the Saturday before Duke’s stay-in-place order began, stockpiling essential items for a week equal parts productive and luxurious.
Quarantine week arrived right smack in the middle of midterm season, so many students scrambled to secure enough adderall to ensure high-yield study sessions before exams and enough alcohol to drown out feelings of inadequacy afterwards.
“People say most Duke students are substance-dependent,” reflected sophomore Nattie Light. “But I think it’s important to see the nuance there. We have different addictions based on the day of the week.”
Some students, afflicted by another addiction, smuggled stolen spin bikes from the gym into their dorm rooms.
“Quarantine glow-up!” first-year Brodie Wilson said. “But really, when I saw it was going to rain all week, I knew I had no choice.”
The shelter-in-place order also affected some students’ planned vaccination timelines. Unwilling to sacrifice even a 10th of a percent of effectiveness, multiple students reported convincing Greenwall pharmacy employees to let them store and administer their own second dose of the COVID-19 vaccine.
“They wouldn’t give it to me at first, so I had to ask them ‘Do you KNOW who my dad is?’’’ sophomore Dolly Jones said. “When that didn’t work, I told them I was pre-med and they finally agreed. It’s not like Greenwall cares about the rules anyway...”
One student hid her off-campus boyfriend in her dorm room for the week.
“No, I don’t feel bad about breaking the rules,” sophomore Dingle McDouble said. “I mean, yes, he’s in a frat, but we agreed that he wouldn’t go to any parties that week. Not with more than, like, fifty people.”
Editor's Note: Happy April Fools' Day! In case you couldn't tell, this was a story for our satirical edition, The Chomicle. Check out more Chomicle stories here, guaranteed to make you laugh or your money back.
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