A Karen for president

Dear primary voters, to the Youth,

My name is Karen. Yes, I have that haircut. And guess what? I’m not going to change. Face it kid, I’m just like you. Sure, I have managers on speed-dial and I can turn the crocodile tears on as quickly as I can call the police on black children, but I am human too. That’s why you never try to shut me down when I misgender a child, say your haircut is ethnic or complain that the POC at work are ganging up on me. You can’t hurt me: you wouldn’t dare shatter my soft gentle heart — soft enough to repost that picture of undocumented children and blame it on Obama.

I mean, I voted for him, in theory. Like you, I believe in a better world for everyone, but not at the expense of my well being. Don’t roll your eyes — you call yourself a radical but can barely follow a stay-at-home order without breaking it to “live your life.” This boomer remover is just your Great Depression, so it really sucks to be you.

Don’t worry, we’re in on the same little secret. I have an aggressive amount of Democrat stickers on my minivan too, but we all know who we’re voting for when the time comes. Like you, I drive my politics like I drive my minivan — loudly but not proudly. You think I’m going to give up Sunday drives by the golf course to redistribute land and build housing for the homeless? In my own backyard!? Who cares if the future we are building will benefit our children if we can’t benefit from it first? Despite arguing with Timmy’s teachers that he can only be taught through his learning style, he still isn't doing any better! I’m not leaving a better future for that brat. 

Where was I? Ah yes, how much I love complaining. Doesn’t it feel so good to complain but not make any changes? I get to practice that all the time as PTA president. Education inaccessibility has only increased because of the gifted programs my income taxes support, but Emily is in all AP’s and dance, so she’s really benefiting from those excellent course supplements I petitioned for. You know what Darwin said, “survival of the loudest.”

Yup kid, I know you’re shaking your head. You think you’re different, a change-maker. You have an MLK poster above your bed and a signed tissue from Bernie Sanders that he probably coughed into. But honey, I was just like you. I thought I could change the world too. I even met MLK, but then I realized I would have to sacrifice my privileges before any real change could occur.

Don’t you get it already? Complain, but don’t change. 

You can hold your picket sign, post on Instagram, cast your vote in November and “change the world,” but don’t change a single one of your habits. Keep buying from conglomerates, ordering expensive shoes from the U.K. and taking your voluntourist trips. Just keep doing you.