A very Duke Thanksgiving

Thanksgiving. A time for gathering around the dinner table with family and desperately avoiding eye contact with your uncle as he tries to start a conversation about political correctness. A time for retelling historically inaccurate and heavily sanitized versions of colonialism that conveniently skirt around all that genocide stuff.  And, most importantly, a time to give thanks. This year, Editorial Board wants to take a moment to reflect on all the things we are grateful for at our university.

Where would we be without dear old Duke? From the out-of-touch, obscenely wealthy anonymous suits who oversee university finances—who recently came to the realization that some people don’t consider $3,000 pocket change—to the vague, unhelpful email notices after racist incidents on campus: this university has given us all so much. And all it has asked for in return are your parents’ life savings, rigid compliance to a crippling 40-year student loan repayment plan and your first born child. 

We should all take time to give thanks to the many aspects of Duke that have defined and shaped our short time here as Blue Devils. We are in debt—financially and metaphorically—to these hallowed grounds for our neocolonial DukeEngage programs that have taught many of us that we too can live out the White Man’s Burden. Our institution never fails to offer us new and exciting opportunities to attend high profile speaking events on campus. Students have an enormous swath of Bush-era war criminals and soulless, predatory finance bigwigs at their disposal to learn from. Furthermore, Duke’s extensively diverse liberal arts education dedicated to “Knowledge in the Service in Society,” creates the perfect environment for future consultants and State Department war hawks to grow and learn. 

Of course, we can’t leave out the widespread prescription drug abuse, binge drinking and agonizing self-importance that makes our peers so special to us. If college truly will be the best years of our lives, it will be in part because of the accomplished, remarkable classmates and friends we’ve met here. The guy in your public policy class who bravely takes every opportunity to play “devil’s advocate” and champions contrarian opinions that definitely are not his actual beliefs. Your hookup you ghosted who now, for some reason, you see everywhere so you have to take the long way to class some days to avoid them. The girl you talked to in the bathroom at Shooters once who told you that you were beautiful as she vomited into the sink. These people are the future leaders, innovators and scandal-prone politicians of the future and this should deeply concern you.

So, as we all head home for Thanksgiving dinner or off campus for Friendsgiving festivities, take time to mull over all the things that make Duke what it is: the good, the bad and the ethically dubious grey areas that will haunt us for years.

In case you couldn't tell, this editorial was a joke! Happy holidays from Editorial Board!

Editor's note: Eren Bagis recused himself from this editorial.