“Honestly we have no idea how he even got the Prius down there,” began an utterly baffled DUPD sheriff as he opened the most bizarre press conference in Duke’s history.
Late Saturday night a male senior undergraduate student at Duke—accompanied by a female senior suffering from an equally severe case of senioritis—managed to cram his 2014 Prius into the L2 level of Perkins library before hurtling backwards through the Stacks 19 times while simultaneously having intercourse with his female accomplice. Investigators believe the misguided pair, overwhelmed by how little time they had left at Duke, were vainly attempting to fulfill multiple graduation requirements at the same time. The Prius finally came to rest when the driver, overcome by his passion (for literature), crashed into a big, hard pile of books on the topic, “The Anatomy of the Human Climax.”
A janitor who witnessed the entire event unfold simply mumbled, “It was like watching a Fast and Furious-50 Shades of Grey crossover movie set in the universe of the Breakfast Club… sickening, yet undeniably impressive. I quit my job on the spot.”
When asked whether or not the student was intoxicated at the time of the incident, the sheriff shuddered, “He blew his GPA on the breathalyzer; he’s lucky to be alive.” Along with the casts of both the 50 Shades of Grey and Fast and the Furious movies, the two students have been charged with crimes against humanity.
Although extreme, this desperate attempt to fulfill graduation requirements was by no means isolated. Freshman students living on the third floors of both Pegram and Bassett have received 1,457 separate offers for “free window-cleaning services” as seniors make frantic bids to get to the top of Baldwin. Last week a group of students from the Nobel Prize-winning Pratt School of Engineering registered the “Trampolinists at Duke Club” as an organisation with Student Affairs; meetings take place at 1 a.m. each night in the parking lot behind Baldwin. Because nothing says “I understand engineering” like attempting to use a 3-foot trampoline to ascend a 90-foot domed auditorium.
When asked why they had rejected the idea of simply befriending the appropriate freshmen, one senior said, “Are you kidding me? They’re worse than polio. If I wanted more squeaky, hormonal a**holes in my life I’d just watch Alvin and the Chipmunks 3 on loop for my final weeks of college. Anyway I gotta a run to a uh...meeting in the gardens… for my seminar… class… that’s about… uh… plants… and other things of that...ilk.”
Meanwhile, any form of sentient life that regularly visits or works in Duke Gardens—from the gardening staff to the vast array of ducks and fish that call the gardens home—have been issued with blindfolds and earplugs as the gardens brace for a harrowing few weeks. Plantus McTreeleaves, the head gardener, explained with a pained tone in his voice, “It’s either that or years of therapy for the employees and animals. Last year we had a duck, Roger, climb all the way to the top of the chapel and jump. Ducks have wings. Roger actively chose not to use them. I’ll never be able to forget that crunching sound when he…when he...”
Plantus paused for a moment, visibly shaken. After a few minutes he composed himself: “We have an obligation to spare them that kind of trauma. No duck, fish, bird or employee should have to witness the mediocre f***ing that takes place here in the final few weeks of the year.” When asked for their opinion on the situation, a nearby duck hesitated for a second before saying “...quack quack...” Tragic words indeed; Roger was his cousin.
Lastly, students this year have had particular trouble accessing the tunnels on East Campus with many of the old entrances now sealed up. Unable to complete it officially, many have resorted to half-hearted attempts to fulfill the requirement. Having given up on getting into the actual tunnels, two seniors armed with small trowels were spotted digging a shallow trench in the East Campus lawn before getting down to business. “3 inches deep counts, right?” said the guy. The guy was in Sigma Nu.
The graduation requirements of Duke are eternal; our time at Duke is not. With just weeks left on the clock, seniors will be hard-pressed to attain all five pillars of the true Duke experience.
Just remember two things: firstly, be smart—nobody wants another Roger situation. Secondly, if you fail, President Price will shake your hand when it comes your turn to walk the graduation stage and smugly whisper in your ear, “I did ‘em all in nine months.”
Correction: Monday Monday earlier stated mistakenly that Duke’s Pratt School of Engineering was “Nobel Prize-winning”; as of yet Pratt has been awarded no such title but if they’d all stop acting like the next coming of Christ every time E-ball comes around then maybe people would actually take them seriously for once… What a bunch o’ nerds!
A three-month medical analysis performed on this joke has concluded with 100 percent certainty that it is officially dead and now decomposing in gruesome fashion. It is utterly inconceivable that it could ever return at this point… It’ll be back next week.
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