Over the weekend, high school basketball sensation and No.2 recruit in the country, Zion Williamson, committed to Duke. Williamson has gained notoriety in the basketball community for his outlandish dunking ability. Despite speculation that Williamson would commit to other programs such as The-School-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named-(Not-By-Us-But-)By-Corrupt-NCAA-Officials-For-Being-Equally-Corrupt, Kentucky, Kansas and Clemson, Williamson chose to become a Blue Devil on Saturday. Williamson joins an already-stacked class of incoming players, namely top recruits R.J Barrett and Cameron Reddish. Duke’s powerhouse recruiting begs the question: what makes these superstar players chose Duke over other competitive programs?
The Chronicle got the inside scoop on these massively athletic 17 year olds’ decisions to play for Duke. Turns out, the factor that sealed the deal is surprisingly obvious. When asked why he chose Duke, Williamson answered, “Oh easy. The grass. The impeccably kept lawn.”
A Skype conversation with the players revealed that an emphasis on the upkeep of Duke’s landscaping is really what attracted the high school seniors. “I mean, when you’re on the bus and see the flowers planted in the roundabout…That is what makes a school a number one basketball program,” said Barrett.
“Don’t forget about the new trees on East Campus,” said Reddish. “When I think about gazing out of my window in Wilson next year from the comfort of my double bed and multiple video game consoles, all I imagine are those willowy trees swaying in the wind.” Williamson and Barrett nodded wistfully.
Williamson reminisced about his campus visit late last year. “Honestly, I was just so struck my the Emersonian beauty of the grass. I fell to my knees—mainly to get to see the grass from a normal person’s perspective—and I felt tears rising to my eyes. It was probably as thrilling as my dunk against South Thomas High School, which got over two million views on YouTube. Two million views is nice, but there’s no greater feeling than a billion blades of leafy grass staring directly into your soul.”
Williamson recounted wandering around West Campus, looking at the mixed patches of green and dying yellow grass. He said that the grass combined with the deliberately acid-washed buildings created the perfect basketball ambiance. “When I visited Kentucky, they made a big deal about it being the bluegrass state, but let me tell you, there was no blue grass in sight. I’m assuming those are the sorts of lies recruiters use to get innocent young men to play for their programs.”
All three recruits spoke about their visit to Cameron and K-Ville. Each said that they noticed the pristine state of the lawn during their visit. When they were told that the grass in K-Ville has to be routinely replaced because of the destruction that tenting causes, the players understood. “We’ve all gotta make sacrifices. I’m just glad Duke prioritizes funnelling money into landscaping first, and the basketball program second,” commented Reddish.
As the players began to attempt to shake hands and take a selfie with each blade of grass, a starving freshman crawled out from under one of their shoes, desperately asking for food points and a working printer in his dorm. The freshman was locked inside Quenchers, where he unfortunately missed two tent checks and lost 11 of his closest friends.
The players said that Coach K works Duke’s landscaping into each of his pitches. He begins by outlining the history of Duke basketball, starting in 1980 (referring to all years before as “Dark Times”). He then spends the next two hours forcing the recruits to sniff samples of grass from various parts of campus.
He even pointed out that some Duke basketball alumni have gone on to be nature and science lovers because of it, including planetary whiz kid Kyrie Irving and Jay Williams, who must be smoking something picking against Duke all the time like he does.
The new players said that Coach K ends his presentations by giving each recruit a blade of Duke grass on a silver chain with the engravement, “The Grass is Greener for a One-And-Done-r.” As Coach K leans in to shake each recruit’s hand, and kiss his blades of grass goodbye, he allegedly whispers, “I learned how to make these from a Buzzfeed Nifty video.”
During last week’s snow days, The Chronicle spoke with Duke’s Beautification Administration Team about their reaction to the players’ praise.
“I knew all of our work would be worth it,” said Duke Landscaping Chair Benjamin von Benjamin while sipping a mimosa and squirting ketchup on the giant snowball in front of West Union in a poor attempt at melting it.
“We have spent a massive fortune on grass. Like so much money,” he said. “Literally all of the Class of 2021’s tuition went towards pushing daisies for Parent’s Weekend. They were already planted, we just hired a bunch of guys to push ‘em around a bit, toughen ‘em up. Coach K taught us that one.”
Friday Friday is a satirical column that runs on Fridays, granted that the igloo they built in a temperature-controlled room in BioSci has internet connection. Friday Friday would like to remind all tenters that no, you can’t water grass with Natty Light and yes, hooking up with someone who also has pneumonia and is also tenting is a fantastic idea.
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Friday Friday is Monday Monday’s off-brand satirical cousin. Look out for Friday Friday on Tinder, and Friday Friday would like it to be known that they are available for frat rush date functions.