Increased coursework, decreased sunlight and cold weather are just some of the reasons Duke students are more likely to get sick at this point in the semester, according to representatives from Duke University Medical System. But some breakouts are worse than others, they say, with the “freshman plague” and last year’s flu being notable examples.
Thus, in preparation for a long-dormant disease now breaking out across campus, Duke Student Health began last week distributing free vaccines against the lethal and highly-contagious epidemic of failure.
Failure, according to Dr. Joe McKinsey from Duke Hospital’s Infectious Disease Division, is different from other campus diseases in its dormancy—it constantly sits in waiting in every student’s body, ready to strike at any moment. “It’s really a fascinating case study,” the doctor explained, “because what we see with pathogens like this are usually very clear infection spikes.”
So, when he and his colleagues “saw increased visits to academic advisors, high patterns of activity at internship fairs, and increased transmission of panic in libraries and eateries across campus, this strongly signaled to our team that failure infections were on the rise.”
Striking swiftly in response to this realization, Duke Student Health began offering free vaccines this past week.
“Just like you vaccinate against the flu, against polio or against hepatitis, it only makes sense that we vaccinate against failure,” said a medical intern giving shots at Brodie Gym. “Failure poses an active threat to the undergraduate body, so total avoidance and prevention is really our best strategy.”
According to recent numbers, turnout for the free vaccines has been “overwhelmingly positive” but nonetheless, Student Health recommended that students remain “diligent and always on the lookout for early warning signs.”
These include below-average exam grades, “botched” internship interviews, last-minute major changes and “stupid questions” asked in class, which are all symptomatic of failure overwhelming a host’s intellectual and emotional faculties.
Two students familiar with failure, identified here as Patient Zero and Patient One, expressed extreme worry about what this could do to their peers. “I failed a class sophomore year,” said Patient Zero. “And it totally ruined my future. An intelligent and super capable Economics major from Duke? Experienced in financial advising and predictive modeling? Ok, sure—all was fine. But once the world found out I was infected? A hard ‘no’—they treated me totally differently.”
“It’s true,” agreed Patient One, an Olympic trials finalist and junior BME major who feels “completely ostracized from the communities” she used to know. “My family, my friends from home—as soon as they found out about that one grade in math last semester, it was like I was untouchable. Failure was running through my veins, and they couldn’t associate with that.”
Despite still going through the “grueling” recovery process, the survivors hope that their stories will “encourage others to avoid failure at all costs.”
Avoidance is not just about one’s own health, however. In addition to the individual benefits of avoiding failure—confirmation bias, a false sense of confidence and sensitive snowflake syndrome—doctors also cited the “public good” benefit of vaccinating the undergraduate body as a whole.
“One of the biggest problems with a condition like failure,” said an epidemic expert from the Sanford School of Public Policy, “is that fear is a critical factor. Much like many outbreaks we’ve seen throughout recent history, it only takes one student to notice failure’s presence for the entire campus population to break out in panic.”
Should that occur, she noted, “the results could be catastrophic—particularly when the first wave of reality checks set in.” The campus response could only be described at that point as a “total meltdown.”
In short, undergraduates who have not already been vaccinated against failure should do so immediately. Vaccines are available in both Brodie and Wilson gyms, the Link, and the 3rd and 4th floors of both Perkins and Bostock libraries, exclusively from 7 p.m. to 4 a.m. on weekdays.
Students need only show a Duke ID and an updated, official transcript to receive the vaccination which, in addition to giving the host a sense of invincibility, also causes the host to instinctively shun those who exhibit any symptoms.
Disclaimer: Allegations that facing failure builds up natural immunity were utterly rejected by multiple spokespersons, who termed such claims an “anti-vaxxer agenda” dangerous to “the health and sanity of our student body.”
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