Helicopter no more

Recently, I was listening to a lecture. As is the case with many such talks, an anecdote was told in order to transition into an overarching point. It went something like this: the speaker (let’s call him Dan) had built a fence in his backyard to keep his young son from wandering out into the world. One day, Dan was watching his son playing in said backyard. He looked away for a minute and suddenly found the boy gone after refocusing his attention. Dan immediately panicked, imagining his son wandering into the street and getting hit by a car traveling fifty miles per hour. Rushing to the front yard, Dan found the boy harmlessly playing with the family dog on the porch. Crisis averted.

The point of the story was to evoke sympathy for Dan, to provide a tale with which many people could identify. The story struck me, however, as an excellent example of helicopter parenting. Dan seemed to have little trust in his son’s ability to avoid trouble and an overactive imagination when it came to cars whizzing through his quiet suburban neighborhood at twice the legal speed limit. And the fence? Well, it struck me as a bit strange (especially these days) to be bragging about putting up walls.

Many people would probably rush to Dan’s defense, saying that he was only acting in the way a good parent should. I don’t doubt that a lot of parents err on the side of overprotection much of the time, and perhaps it is only natural for them to worry about their children. But are parents really helping by constantly watching over their children and inserting themselves into every aspect of their kids’ lives? Preliminary research suggests that the answer is no. Studies have linked helicopter parenting to anxiety in children and binge drinking and depression in college-age students. There is evidence of the effect occurring even at the graduate school level—and the research there isn’t promising either. In short, helicopter parenting isn't making children better—in fact, it appears to be doing just the opposite.

Helicopter parenting is just one example of a growing problem: we as a society have become increasingly unwilling to face the realities of life. Maybe that’s why people constantly look for escape through rom-coms or action movies that that blithely cross the threshold between plausibility and ludicrousness. “Real life is hard enough,” people often say in defense. To their credit, a temporary respite from everyday life every once in awhile probably couldn’t hurt too much, and it may even be beneficial to some. But what happens when this break from reality becomes a daily phenomenon? The answer, to be explained in a moment, is “plenty.”

Some might argue that overprotective parenting stems from an acknowledgment of reality, an understanding that the world is unpredictable and filled with many dangers. But such fears are largely unfounded, and the parents ultimately end up creating an alternate reality by hiding their children from failure, pain, and conflict. Kids who grow up getting their way all the time will struggle once they have to face the world on their own, as it is impossible to go through life without failing in some sort of way. If children are held back from even small scrapes and bruises, what will happen when they experience more severe kinds of pain, such as that of losing a loved one? And those who have never had to settle disagreements will turn away and hide when faced with any sort of conflict. That, unfortunately, almost always exacerbates matters and makes things worse.

What are the results of our collective unwillingness to avoid the truths of life? More than ever, you will meet people who lack resiliency, who are unable to bounce back from even the most minor of difficulties. They are overly sensitive and get hurt by any comment remotely critical of them; as a result, they often develop a crippling lack of self-confidence. Lots of reasons are put forward for the opioid overdose affecting the nation, but perhaps we are missing an important contributing factor. For those who believe little in themselves and are constantly burdened by their daily lives will try to find a way out of their misery. With this in mind, it isn't too difficult to see how people could eventually be led to opioids—after all, they are just another form of escape.

So how can we begin to solve the aforementioned problems? Some might say that we need to show people more love and respect. This is certainly important, but it fails to address the root cause of the issues. We must admit that we cannot continue to coddle children by micromanaging every aspect of their lives. Curbing helicopter parenting or (preferably) ending it altogether would go a long way to helping ensure that children are not being set up for disappointment from a young age.

So, if you are going to build a fence, at least let your child run around and spend some time outside of it. Understand that your kid is going to be just fine if they occasionally fall down while running or lose a pickup game of soccer. Rather than seeing these moments as evidence that you need to further ensconce your child in a protective bubble, view them as moments you can teach them important life lessons. We don’t need to go back to the old days of children walking miles to school barefoot, as the older generation may grumble about from time to time. We can, however, learn when to loosen and tighten the reins. Maybe then people could grow up and realize that life isn't so bad after all.