Kilgo is haunted!

As much as I've enjoyed living in Duke housing, I am sick and tired of the constant annoyances that come with dorm life. Loud parties next door when I'm studying, no air conditioning and, of course, the constant wailing coming from the ghosts that haunt my bathroom.

Kilgo 4A has been pretty stellar all year, but the bathroom is super haunted by the ghosts that skulk around in the stalls. They change the water temperature all the time, overflow the toilets and appear in the mirror behind me with blood running down their faces screaming that their time on Earth was cut too short. That simply can't be my problem, I can't be late again to my Econ lecture because every absence I have is due to the Civil War Lieutenant who always complains about how gangrene killed him and took him away from his wife to be.

I've called HDRL all the time about it and always get brushed off. Common rooms are always too dirty after a Duke game, but all I ask is that they just do something about the twin sisters who always are trying to play jacks while I'm on the can! Ask somebody else, creepy Shining girls; I have to be in class in 10 minutes! I've told HDRL to call up Dan Akroyd about getting some exterminators—after all 3 Ghostbusters documentaries have showed how effective they are—but HDRL always say, "Those are fictional." Yeah, I thought so too, until I saw a headless bride scream for 3 hours straight from no apparent mouth in my dorm’s service closet.

I honestly have tried ignoring them too, but how could I? If I brush my teeth for too long my toothbrush turns into a snake and my toothpaste turns into blood. And I know I could walk down one more hall and go into a different bathroom, but our showers are so spacious and have incredible water pressure, so I won't give that up.

The worst one of all is the ghost who whispers that I, too, will die soon and always disappears before I turn on the lights. Super unnecessary stuff like that always gets on my nerves. I've asked them nicely to leave me alone but that only whine to me that they have unfinished business and that some random guy will pay for their death. Get over it, you died 154 years ago Lieutenant Lowry, your wife is dead and totally remarried that wealthy bachelor who couldn't fight in the war due to his trick elbow.

It’s 2017! Duke should have eliminated the ghost problem way before we showed up. I think it’s because West Union was built on an ancient Native American burial ground, or maybe a witch cursed Brodhead; I don’t know. All I know is that ghosts infest my bathroom, and I am fed up. I have gone to the RC a couple times, but some vengeful spirit from beyond the grave possesses him, and he curses my bloodlines to never bear strong men again. I get it, you are spooky.

The bleeding walls were really scary the first time, but I’m really just trying to get some paper towels to clean up the kombucha I spilled on my floor, you don’t have to go all Amityville Horror on me for the fifth time this week. These ghosts seem like they watched Paranormal Activity one too many times. You simply don’t know how many times I’ve seen some co-ed in a bathrobe crawl on all fours on the ceiling, as flies swarm out of her mouth. Like, Lisa chill the f**k out, your unceremonious murder in 1983 has literally nothing to do with me, I wasn’t even alive!

I just want to go one day without seeing “DIE NICK YOUNGER” scrawled on the wall in either blood, dead birds, twigs, or in the fog on the mirror from the shower. Next time I see some misguided specter watch me from the window of the bathroom while his head spins 360 degrees, I’ll lose it. I’ve started putting on reruns of Ghost Whisperer starring Jennifer Love Hewitt while I shower, and it marginally made things better. Now they just keep approaching me with their problems because they “can’t return to the afterlife because their son doesn’t know how much they love them” or they “can’t make it into everlasting paradise because I haven’t found the man who killed me and my whole family.” Get over it.