Due to recent controversies and a bizarre media frenzy unlike any other, the Duke basketball program released the “exciting results” from an “extensive, unprecedented study” into the psychology of veteran guard Grayson Allen on Friday.
According to the two female basketball players who sit caddy corner to Monday Monday in a challenging course entitled “Math is Everywhere,” the storied basketball program has been studying and analyzing Allen for more than six weeks. They were pleased to announce that after undergoing all of these tests, Grayson Allen had in fact been sorted into Gryffindor, not Slytherin. The nation is in shock.
An anonymous sports psychologist for the basketball team reported that in the wake of the December tripping incident, Allen had taken part in a number of different personality tests to see what made him tick, but concerns arose over the reliability and accuracy of certain exams of this nature.
“Everybody knows that the Meyers-Briggs is more or less just a bunch of BS that we were duped into believing accurately described our personality by corporate America,” the psychologist, who asked to remain anonymous due to fear of the wrath of Coach Mike Krzyzewski’s dark sorcery, told Monday Monday. “Nowadays, the mostly widely accepted practice of aptly analyzing personalities is via the Buzzfeed ‘Which Hogwarts House Do You Belong In?’ quiz. It’s the only personality test endorsed by the Harvard School of Business and the American Medical Association. We had Grayson take it a couple of times, expecting that he would inevitably be in Slytherin, but, boy, were we wrong.”
The veteran guard is reported to have taken the quiz “no less than 13 times” to ensure its accuracy. Each time he was placed into the House Gryffindor, whose members are known for their “daring, nerve and chivalry.” The widely-lauded house from J.K. Rowling’s seminal Harry Potter series is often thought of as the most desirable, mostly for its reputation of bravery and loyalty, despite a heinous color pairing of Virginia Tech-esque maroon and gold.
“We’ve done this with a lot of major programs,” an anonymous NCAA official told Monday Monday in a phone interview. “We assumed Grayson would join the ranks of Nick Saban, Sidney Crosby and Tyler Hansbrough in Slytherin—Bill Belichick is reported to even speak parseltongue to his pet snake, Nagini—but lo and behold, I guess all that charity work wasn’t a waste after all.”
According to sources close to Allen, the veteran guard is “incredibly excited” and “very thankful God gave him this opportunity.” Despite multiple instances of tripping opponents and getting caught up in kerfuffles on his way to the bench, Allen is reportedly a “stand-up guy.”
“The Grayson I know begins every day being thankful for God and checking DailyBibleVerse.com, even before he checks all the messages of girls who decided to slide into his DMs the night before,” said an anonymous member of his spring 2015 Statistics 101 lab group. “He’s deeply humble—only stares at himself in the mirror like a few times a day—and goes out of his way to be kind to the freshmen basketball managers who have to wipe his sock sweat off the locker-room floor.”
The Duke community, which has stood by and defended Grayson over the past year despite those tripping incidences and some questionable instagram filter choices, expected nothing less from their beloved guard. The nation, however, is in shock.
“I just—I can’t believe this,” said ESPN host, former Duke guard and resident hater Jay Williams. “If Grayson Allen is actually a good guy, what will I talk about on SportsCenter? Sports? Other teams? Who will want to watch that? My career is over.”
Newsrooms across America are reportedly scrambling to get together new content and story ideas that actually analyze college basketball and have nothing to do with the Duke team or Allen himself.
“If Grayson is actually a good guy and not the evil villain figure we’ve been cultivating for him since his freshman year, what are we going to write about?” said a prominent sports writer Monday Monday accidentally sweat blue paint on in the front row of a men’s basketball game. “Demonizing Grayson and this Duke squad is like taking candy from a baby—something we honestly assumed Grayson would do. It’s such low-hanging fruit but man does it get clicks. But if we can’t do that, I guess we’re going to have to start actually covering college basketball again.”
The veteran reporter had begun Googling pictures of the Gonzaga basketball team, dreading the substantive piece his editor had just told him to write about their “super-charged athleticism.” ESPN is reported to have halted production on their impending “I Hate Christian Laettner II: I Hate Grayson Allen” documentary.
A study conducted by Raleigh-based Public Policy Polling reports that Allen’s approval ratings have surged and been closing in on “near Michelle Obama-like levels” since the announcement that Allen had been placed into Gryffindor, and not Slytherin. The national polling center also reported that Senator Ted Cruz had received a marginal bump in popularity due to his likeness of Allen, despite the fact that he himself was actually the headmaster of Slytherin and was once described by his colleagues as “Lucifer-esque.”
Monday Monday received House Slytherin via the Buzzfeed quiz on seven separate occasions as the reporter charmed this piece together.
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