Columnist’s Note: The columnist of this guide is not liable for any social damages incurred by the reader. Engaging in political discourse at the Thanksgiving table is an inherently dangerous activity, potentially resulting in the loss of family members and/or appetite. Proceed at your own risk.
Next week Duke students will travel home to celebrate Thanksgiving, but the lingering effect of the presidential election may taint the spirit of thankfulness that makes this holiday special.
The Thanksgiving feast has always been a delicate affair, considering the number of friends, family and relatives that it concentrates at a single dinner table and expects to behave themselves. For many families, keeping the peace with all their relations is difficult even in an ordinary year, but this Thanksgiving will be especially tense. It comes just two weeks after a bitter and divisive presidential election, which fielded the two most unpopular candidates in history and divided the country by race, gender, and education. In a stunning upset, Donald Trump won the presidency, and Thanksgiving tables across the country will be split between excitement and frustration over that reality.
To survive the Thanksgiving politics and preserve your relationship with the people co-signing your student loans, I propose four simple rules.
Rule Number 1: Don’t Start the Fight.
The simplest strategy to keep the peace is to avoid politics altogether. Therefore, try not to provoke a debate. Don’t wear your I’m With Her t-shirt to the dinner table. Avoid red or blue tablecloths. Find a better icebreaker than, “So, who’d yah vote for?” and don’t panic if your uncle shows up wearing his Make America Great Again hat. Politely ask him to hang it on the coat rack, and then hide it from the other guests.
Additionally, be mindful of your words. As best you can, try to keep everyone distracted with subjects that are as far from politics as possible. Eschew topics that have been politicized by the election and remember the acronym “TURKEE”: Tax Returns, Undocumented Immigrants, Russia, the KKK, E-mails and the Environment—to remind yourself of topics to avoid.
Finally, it’s best if you keep your political jokes to yourself at the table. Don’t ask your grandmother if her secret recipe is in one of Hillary Clinton’s emails. She won’t find it funny.
Rule Number 2: Put Yourself in Their Shoes.
Despite your best efforts, the presidential election will be the elephant in the room. Some discussion of politics is probably unavoidable. However, if you take appropriate action you can keep the conversation civil and prevent your Thanksgiving dinner from looking like The Last Supper.
This election season was marked by record levels of distrust between the major parties. Polls show 50 percent of consistently liberal Democrats and 66 percent of consistently conservative Republicans feel that the other party’s policies threaten the nation. If you must discuss politics, do so with the presumption of good will towards your friends and family. Fear and suspicion have proliferated in our public discourse, but you can keep them away from your dinner table.
Empathize with the other side’s perspective and recognize that they feel just as passionately as you do. Why might certain members of your family disagree with you? What are their life experiences, past and present, and how might those experiences have shaped their views? You have every right to disagree with them, but pay attention to how you do it. Remain calm. Control your tone and gestures and speak without condescension or grandstanding, insulting anyone’s intelligence or placing labels on them. Remember, you may think you’re the most enlightened person in the room, but chances are, so do they.
Maintaining this civility can be difficult when family members make comments that are callous, ignorant or even prejudiced. Sometimes, you may not be in a position to challenge them, but to the extent that the conversation is beneficial, continue to engage with them. Try to focus on what they want to express rather than the way they express it and, once again, maintain the presumption of good will. Let your friends and family express themselves freely and without judgment. Then, acknowledge why they feel the way they do, and respectfully explain your difference of opinion.
Rule Number 3: Find Common Ground.
Every American wants security, prosperity and liberty. Our political disagreements stem from different opinions of how to achieve these ends. At the dinner table, it’s necessary to acknowledge these common aspirations and continually emphasize them. As much as possible, remind your family of how you are similar before explaining the finer points of how you differ.
For example, we all want secure borders. We all want to stop terrorism. We all want to preserve the environment for future generations. Establish these points of agreement at the outset, and you just might discover that those “unreasonable” family members aren’t so unreasonable after all.
With this foundation, the same passion that might have become insults and personal attacks will be channeled into meaningful discussion. It is always easier to have a conversation with people you believe share your values than with people you think are fundamentally different. You can get to the root of your disagreements and maybe— just maybe— you’ll persuade someone to agree with you.
Rule Number 4: End on a Positive Note.
You can’t choose your family, like you can’t choose your countrymen, but in each case we all must learn to listen to and respect one another, and ultimately to put politics aside when the time comes.
The most important part of any political conversation is how it ends. If you sense that the dialogue is becoming too emotional or too bitter, then take action and end it before any lasting damage is done.
It is Thanksgiving, after all, so remind your family to be thankful for their health. Remind them that they live in a nation whose government heeds their voice and treats them fairly under the law. Remind them to be thankful that in this country they are guaranteed the right to love, worship, and speak freely. Yet, at the same time remind them that there are many people, perhaps even some of their neighbors, who lack these blessings. Finally, remind them that no matter how many political grievances they have, there is always someone whose plight is worse than their own.
Then, for goodness sake, change the subject.
Ian Burgess is a Trinity sophomore. His column, “from the mountaintop,” runs on alternate Fridays.
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