Fall break is just around the corner, which means that the members of the Editorial Board have a fun five days planned. Of course, since we are one hive-minded entity, all 14 of us will be doing everything together for fall break. Here are our plans:
Friday, 7 pm: Fall break begins
We will convene in Flowers 201. For 60 hours, we will sit in our stiff wooden chairs, going on a rampage of hyper criticism, stemming from our hunger for power. As always, we will begin with DSG before tackling our administration, including some of the most beloved members of our University. Once we have completed our tirades against the institution in which we sit, we will move on to student organizations, even the most benign of which act in complete self-interest motivated by a line on a resume. By Hour 43, we will have exhausted entities to criticize and turn toward the Chronicle itself, penning a 550 word rebuke of our newspaper.
Monday, 7 am: Vindictiveness
We will shift our focus to those who have dared to cross us by responding to Chronicle commenters with our bitterest bile and taking satisfaction in the knowledge that we trumped these anonymous trolls with our skillful online debate.
Monday, high noon: Nutrition
We will be quite hungry by this point—after all, we’ll have gone 65 hours without food. We will gain sustenance by eating ice cream while reading the Harvard Crimson editorial page and silently weeping. When we have calmed down a bit, we will move on to scouring the Atlantic for new things to be mad about.
Monday, 2 pm: Relaxation
Of course, just as any Duke student, we are going to have fun and relax on our fall break. We’ll start off by settling in with a nice book, preferably fiction. Then, we will do some math, all the while appreciating its place in a liberal arts education.
Monday, 7 pm: Making Duke a better place
Through the night between Monday and Tuesday, we will work to implement some of our more daring proposals for improving Duke. Our first order of business will be constructing a new safe space on campus. In whatever time is left over, we will engage in reasoned and constructive dialogue with friends and peers who have views different than our own. Even on fall break, all students should be engaged in introspecting and critically examining the basis of their worldview.
Tuesday, 11 pm: Wait, we have a problem set due?
What kind of professor assigns a problem set to be due the day after fall break? Thanks a lot, Duke.
Wednesday, 7 am: Publication
After a full night of homework, Edit Board resumes normal publication but grows disillusioned and nihilistic about the university experience. Increasingly angry at the world, the week's editorials turn into a crazed ten thousand word manifesto. At its peak levels of Ivory Tower syndrome, the Board itself finally disappears in a puff of critical smoke.
As you can see, we have a fun fall break planned. We wish you and yours an equally relaxing five days’ respite from this pressure cooker we love to hate.
In case you couldn’t tell, this editorial was a joke! Have a great fall break!
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