“Green Party in the HOOOOUUUUUUSSSSSEEEEE!!”
As I sat in the front row of a small auditorium in the University of Houston’s student center, it did not occur to me that David Cobb, the loud, bald, bespectacled emcee who spoke with a charming southern twang, had once received more than 100,000 votes in a campaign for president of the United States.
When you’re witnessing the Green Party Convention’s primetime talent show, these things are easy to miss.
As Cobb addressed the crowd, I scanned the room, taking in the splendor of America’s left-iest political misfits. It was a beautiful gumbo of humanity: bearded ponytailers sauntered around; backpacks with dogs in them narrowly avoided collisions with passers-by; almost everyone dressed as though they were on a hike.
Most notably, the room was packed. The concept of the Aug. 5 exhibition/fundraiser, “Greens Got Talent,” might have made crustier politicos sneer, but in the room, the togetherness was palpable.
Darryl Cherney, who was once awarded $4.4 million in damages from the FBI after being falsely accused of eco-terrorism, kicked off the show with an original song. True to the ditty’s title, “I’m Gonna Run for President,” he was one of two performers who sought the Green Party nomination, only to lose to Dr. Jill Stein.
The crowd adored Cherney, and it’s easy to see why: Greens are fundamentally distrustful of institutions. They view both Democrats and Republicans as indistinguishable tools of the corporate establishment. They deride the media at every opportunity, and they actively despise most of America’s military actions. They are self-described eco-socialists. They want an independent investigation into the 9/11 terrorist attacks.
In Cherney, you can pretty much check every item off of the Green Party list. Environmentalist? Check. Screwed over by a federal agency? Check. Victorious David against the FBI’s Goliath? Checkmate. His cheers were among the evening’s loudest. The song isn’t half bad, either.
Green Party lifer Greg Gerritt, a delegate from Rhode Island, strode to the stage next. His “talent” came in the form of self-produced mini nature documentaries, which he said he filmed in a graveyard.
The first, “How a Tadpole Eats,” consisted of a few shots of tadpoles scraping algae off of leaves. The second depicted a Heron eating what the narrator Gerritt called a fish.
“It’s actually a frog!” Gerritt self-corrected from the back of the auditorium.
When the screenings ended, the crowd, undeniably amused, began chanting “More tadpoles!”
Yet as the next few acts came and went, I couldn’t help but notice how strangely humorless the show became.
Sue Peters performed a dramatic scene with three other castmates, including Elijah Manley, a youth rights activist and 17-year-old presidential candidate. Supposedly intended to be comedic, the lengthy sketch came across angrier as the cast railed against the monetary power of big banks.
Yvonne Neubert, one of the evening’s better performers, told a charming story about her young daughter voting for David Cobb in an elementary school election. But even her kindly voice dripped with venom as she recounted her daughter’s teacher telling the child she must choose between George W. Bush and John Kerry.
The worst performance of the evening came from Chris Casey, who read a vitriolic original poem in the style of a conversation between Hillary Clinton and Donald Trump. Casey even donned an offensive (and inaccurate!) falsetto as he read the “Hillary” lines. (“I’ll send some Arab fools straight to heaven!”)
Greens are clearly and understandably frustrated about their outsider status. They don’t believe THE MEDIA provides the American voter with substantive coverage of the issues, or even proper descriptions of his or her choices. They bristle at the idea that Ralph Nader, their presidential nominee in 2000, syphoned votes from Al Gore, and was thus to blame for the George W. Bush presidency. They rail against the logic that a vote for a third party is a wasted one.
Still, don’t the freedom fighters have any self-awareness? Sometimes (i.e., when viewing mini nature documentaries), they embrace their kookiness. But much more often, they fiercely condemn the establishment for its inability to take Green values seriously. A perfect example: Manley, the face of the party’s youth movement, performed “stand-up comedy,” in which he called Barack Obama “the devil,” and an “imperialist.” How many hearts and votes are Greens going to win if they keep preaching doom and gloom?
Still, there’s something irresistible about the Greens. Walking around their convention, I got the feeling I had discovered a real community. Other political parties put on a grotesque show at their quadrennial gatherings, producing videos that paint candidates in angelic shades that strain credulity. The Greens get on stage, grab a mike and wail a karaoke version of “Cheap Thrills.” Who cares if the crowd doesn’t know the call and response part? You’re among friends. You’re among family.
As the more than half-dozen Greens clambered onto the stage to perform the evening’s final number, they laughed and joked with each other. The recognizable music started: “We Are the World,” the famously collaborative activist anthem from the ‘80s. It immediately became clear, however, that none of the singers were familiar with the melody of the verses. Fearing embarrassment, the performers passed mics off onto their friends, rendering soloists inaudible. A better metaphor for the Green Party’s political struggles could not possibly exist.
But when the chorus came around, the group belted in full force, with a small tweak to the words.
“WE ARE THE GREEEEENS,” they sang, as the crowd rose to its feet.
In that moment, no other parties existed. The collective spirit of that auditorium at the University of Houston was something I’d never felt before. For just a few dozen measures, all of the world’s insurmountable problems seemed manageable.
When the music finally died down, Cobb gave a benediction of sorts.
“This system is not merely rigged to keep the Green party from succeeding. The system is designed to keep the Green Party from EXISTING!” he screamed. “AND HERE. WE. ARE!!!!!”
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