Life, Love, and the Oxford Comma

Recent events have once again rendered Duke’s campus turbulent and fraught with strife. Protests against what many students consider a lack of accountability on the part of the administration have divided students into several camps—for every protester at the Allen building, there seems to be an equal and opposite counter-protester posting aggravated comments on Yik Yak. No matter your position on the matter, the discussion is inescapable.

I am all for student advocacy, but it breaks my heart that even in these times of heightened awareness and sensitivity there exists a great, unspoken injustice that I observe every week as I perform my job as an editor for The Chronicle. The injustice that I speak of is none other than The Chronicle’s refusal to use the Oxford comma due to its staunch commitment to Associated Press style.

You might casually skim an article about Craven’s newest pest infestation and notice a blank space where a comma should lie at the end of a list, separating adjectives, or resolving ambiguity. Rather than inserting a natural pause at the end of three or more listed ingredients, you might read about Saladelia’s new fudge brownies, pasta salad and lavender soda. Disgusted, you’ll think that somebody legitimately thought it was a good idea to put lavender and sugar on rotini with some mayonnaise and spices before you realize your mistake, and that these are in fact two separate items. Nobody needs that emotional strain in their life, and it could be easily prevented by the use of our friend, the Oxford comma.

I don’t mean to turn you against The Chronicle, partially because it’s not the one at fault and partially because I don’t want to lose my job. Instead, I cast the blame of this great, unspoken tragedy at the bastard-journalists of the AP. These ivory tower blue bloods dictate writing policy from the comfort of fancy chairs in stable jobs. 

Who are these so-called “reporters” to tell Carly Rae Jepsen how to divide her sixth and seventh “really” when she is professing how much she really, really, really, really, really, really, really likes somebody? From what source does the AP derive its authority to declare the comma separating “natural flavors” and “caffeine” at the end of the list of ingredients on a can of Coke grammatically incorrect? Do they have some divine right to dictate how we choose to address a group of three or more people? I, for one, feel violated when the AP tells me that I love my parents, my dog Daisy and my cat Zucchini, creating ambiguity that makes me appear to deny the kinship of my wonderful family and claim to be the product of interspecies canoodling.

But this battle is much bigger than Carly Rae Jepsen, the Coca-Cola Company, and myself. This isn’t just about grammar—this is about the right to self-determination. The failure to acknowledge the Oxford comma is yet another manifestation of the Big Guy exerting a political and grammatical hegemony over small, independent organizations and governments such as The Chronicle and Puerto Rico.

But what can we do to end this madness? We must look to the example of countless past revolutionaries who have fought and died for their beliefs, and draw inspiration from their convictions and actions. The Founding Fathers of this great nation of the United States of America boldly declared their independence from an empire that taxed them unduly and unfairly, and they threw a bunch of tea in the water to show that gosh-darn King just how serious they were. So too must we extract ourselves from the influence of the Associated Press and declare our right to put commas wherever we see fit.

As a single organization, we at The Chronicle are powerless to stand up to the imperialistic media behemoth that is the Associated Press. If we unite together, however, we can stand up to them and their subjugation of the freedom of the press, one of the most cherished and valued rights granted by the Bill of Rights. And so I ask you my friends, my fellow students, and Chronicle readers of all walks of life: continue to use the Oxford comma whenever and wherever you can. In this act of civil disobedience, you fight not only for grammar that makes sense, but also for freedom of expression, self-determination of government, and human dignity.