Six weeks of spring

I recently became engulfed in a minor existential crisis. It crept up on me slowly enough—January rolled around and I transitioned out of some leadership positions so others could take over. I decided to underload with classes I thought I’d enjoy as opposed to ones that solely fulfilled requirements. I became increasingly disinterested and disengaged with a social climate I found emotionally exhausting and at times toxic. Spring break arrived, and I spent the week engaged in pure unadulterated bliss unbeholden to the stresses that have accompanied past times off. Now, I am back on campus and other than a handful of continued responsibilities, I have fewer obligations than any other point of my college experience. There are fewer “things I absolutely have to do/attend” and more “things I can do/attend if I feel like it.” It was as if everything I’ve ever known was continuing on without me. And so came a shocking revelation: I had become irrelevant.

I’m sure it is a feeling many seniors can relate to. Activities and organizations that have been an integral part of our Duke experience are winding down to their end. We will no longer be campus leaders or even participants. We are letting go of things we’ve been building on for the past few years, and for many of us, the opportunities we pursue next entail starting completely over again. And when it’s put that way, it is mildly terrifying.

Spring break is behind us, classes have kicked off and the countdown to LDOC has begun. For us seniors though, we are no longer just counting down to the last day of class, but the last day of our undergraduate careers. Up until now, we could get away with counting up to various time markers—end of fall semester, first day of classes, spring break. But now the inescapable reality is upon us, and the only thing we really have to count down to is the end. We can now speak almost entirely in terms of “lasts”—last exam, last Old Duke, last WNS, last beach week. And if my various forms of social media are accurate, there is a collective flurry over how rapidly approaching our graduation day is. There is no shortage of lamenting statuses, nostalgic photos of years prior and the always classic #nevergraduate.

But while I have noticed much discussion on how little time we have left, what has been lacking is how exactly to make the most of the time that remains. And that has got me thinking—how do we make the most our remaining experience when our only real purpose is to fade out of it?

I love Duke, but more and more I feel ready to move on to the next chapter of my life, having grown weary with the repetition of classes, work, socialize, repeat. I am not naïve to the pressures and monotony of corporate America—I am sure I’ll have a new set of complaints when I get there—but I am certainly ready for some sort of new trajectory. But I have also become increasingly vexed by how to spend these next weeks as meaningfully as possible. Does it mean slaving away at the library and ensuring a final academic performance I can be proud of? My total lack of motivation and apparent senioritis would suggest otherwise. Is this the time to really throw academic fixation to the wayside and focus on the more intangible qualities of my college experience? For a while I have been set on the idea that “making the most” of my time left meant having fun and spending time with friends. The objective to simply “have a good time” seems appealing at first, but there is also something undeniably unsatisfying. I spent my entire last week lounging around at the beach and remaining carefree, but by the end I could not help but wonder, for what purpose? There was no overarching objecting to doing nothing, and even in just a week I became restless. I am not trying to diminish the value of unstructured time, but eventually the goal of just enjoying time is no longer enough.

I am fortunate to know what I am doing next year and understand what a privilege that is, but it doesn’t make the restlessness any more digestible. Senior spring should be a time where responsibilities start to diminish and we close out our college career, but it is also a time for continued growth and gain. There may be no “right” way to spend the last six weeks, but I hope we can all seek out ways to add meaning to our remaining experience.

Michelle Menchaca is a Trinity senior. Her column runs on alternate Wednesdays.