The Tab is my Donald Trump. It asks to be mocked—in fact, it likes to be mocked. Its provocativeness is self-serving: generate controversy, increase page views and make money. And just like Trump, it makes its money off the backs of those it disparages, although in the case of The Tab, it’s Duke and its students’ reputations that are left in tatters. My issue with The Tab is not its questionable motives and negative societal effect. My complaint is that tabloids are supposed to cover sensational and salacious news, and The Tab does neither.
The first story published on The Tab was a first-person narrative titled “A British freshman goes to his first Duke rager.” It included such groundbreaking insights as: there are parties in college, girls wear swimwear in the summer and heterosexual males like females, especially when they wear said swimwear. What this story lacks in substance, it also fails to make up for in pictures.
I was confused about the author’s goals. He disclosed that he “came from a conservative, British, all-boys private school which was established 700 years ago” and that his school “never played host to evenings like this”. Neither did my 54-year-old, coed public high school in the United States.
Still unsure of the author’s message, I decided to make my own for him. I decided that the 650 years between our schools’ founding and cumulative hundreds of thousands in tuition don’t make us that different at all because neither of our schools hosted “ragers.” Building off of this, I realized that if we all could stop getting caught up on what makes us unique and instead generalize our identities to the extent that we ignore them, perhaps everyone on campus would realize that we’re really not that different. No such argument was presented, though, and I was left feeling unfulfilled.
Another piece titled “WTF is SFK? We meet [name withheld], Duke’s Queen Bee” begins with the claim that we’ve “downloaded her app.” I hadn’t, but decided to do some investigative journalism—the kind of stuff The Tab makes its name off of—and checked the app store. I found that the app doesn’t even have enough ratings to merit an average on its current version, which is months old. I doubt that most, if any, students have downloaded the app. Nonetheless, I was initially hesitant to even bring up the app for fear of driving undeserved traffic its way, but it seems that no amount of media will make this app a success by any rational measure despite The Tab’s insistence otherwise.
I continued to read in search of anything remotely interesting. It was then that I learned that “if people don’t like you, then f*** them,” and further, that you can possess this selfless mindset and still not be “a total arrogant b****.” Had the student actually taken on this mindset as her own, perhaps she would have stories worthy of being told in a tabloid, but it seems to be a case of words over action.
My suspicions were confirmed shortly thereafter when I learned that the infamous closed birthday party at Shooters last semester was not as free as she’d claimed. While she didn’t have to pay to rent out the facility, her parents did cover an open bar, a backdrop picture and a pretty good-looking cake. While I would hope that hundreds of students would show restraint in their alcohol consumption from a bar whose tab they wouldn’t have to pay, I doubt that was the case.
By the end of this surprisingly long article, I was confused. Why was it written? Of the thousands of students on campus, what had she done? She says that she wants to be the voice of our generation and write television shows for herself to star in, but what action has she actually taken towards achieving these goals? Admittedly, someone who achieved these goals would be interesting, but nothing I read pointed towards this—instead, I found a predictable reliance on vulgarity in a play for attention. I neglected to reach her for comment on these matters because I don’t really care what she has to say.
My final read of the day was an article that began with the declaration that “few have the goal of leading a nation”—finally, a measured and thoughtful statement. It seemed that I had found an interesting story about a student working toward a substantial goal. That is until I learned that he’s an heir to a powerful Kurdish family. I believe the subject of the article misunderstands the concept of a goal—it is something you aspire to achieve, not a position you are born into. Still in search of something that this student has done, I learned that he was rewarded with a Porsche Panamera as a reward for passing freshman year. A spot on the dean’s list this semester will hopefully earn him a driver, allowing him to finally make use of the car. With a driver shuttling him to classes, he might then be deserving of tabloid attention.
As a regular consumer of the Daily Mail, I know there is a market for tabloid journalism. Nonetheless, The Tab has managed to come up short despite covering Duke, which has played host to the lacrosse scandal and an adult actress. I hope The Tab’s editor will look further than chapter meeting for future stories and prove me wrong.
Justin Koritzinsky is a Trinity junior. His column runs on alternate Tuesdays.
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