Our fair institution: a year in review

At the end of every year, it is always a valuable exercise to look back and reflect on the year in its entirety, to understand what sets it apart from past years and to assess how far our fair institution has come. In the spirit of reflection and ruthless evaluation, we have assembled the most important—and overlooked—news stories of the 2013-2014 academic year.

• Confused about how Dr. Dre earned his degree, Jabari Parker declares intent to apply to medical school. Meanwhile, his forthcoming children’s book "Green Eggs and Slam Dunk" is set to win the Man Booker Prize.

• Senior class disappointed to learn that Patrick Dempsey of Grey’s Anatomy fame will not be speaking at graduation. Instead of McDreamy, graduates will get McDronestrikes.

• At the behest of Duke’s American Grand Strategy group, Duke annexes Eastern Ukraine, where it plans to build Duke Kiev University—DKU—to “expand its global presence in a country at the heart of the world stage.”

• Unperturbed by the closing of the Law Refectory, law students prepare to eat each other.

• DKU—the one in China—announces it has received another application, bringing the total to like 10 or something. In unrelated news, DKU shifts marketing tactics to emphasize “small class sizes” and “one-on-one learning opportunities.”

• Fix My Campus fixes campus.

• Duke School of Medicine produces a video parodying Broadway songs in an attempt to attract applicants. Not to be outdone, the Fuqua School of Business hires Andrew Lloyd Weber to consult for its recruitment video and outsources all additional labor to Cambodia. The Law School will not be making a video, as the students with artistic talent were the first to be eaten.

• Duke launches a slew of new certificate programs in response to unconfirmed but definitely very high student demand. These include: Certificate in Solving World Problems and Feeling Really Good About It, Certificate in Certificate Development and Implementation, Certificate in Global Neo-Creative Transdisciplinary Information and Developmental Comparative Innovation Studies of the Environment and Certificate in Knitting.

• Following Northwestern’s lead, Duke’s football team unionizes, forms Anarcho-Marxist collective, redistributes all of the wealth and defeats UNC 27-25.
  

• Experts predict DukeEngage students will save the world over summer. NGO employees begin looking for new line work—world’s poor rejoice.

• After the landslide passage of the Forty Percent Plan, Inside Joke and the Duke Money Laundering Society are left as Duke’s only functional student groups.

In case you couldn't tell, today's editorial was a joke. Happy LDOC and congratulations to the Class of 2014!