Come to Duke!

In just a few short weeks, Duke Polytechnic Institute for the Vocational Arts and Practical Sciences will send acceptance letters to students across the nation. But Duke is really expensive, so we have compiled a list of reasons why prospective first-year scholars should choose Duke over other, cheaper, higher-ranked and generally more fun institutions of higher earning:

Duke is, according to Dean Nowicki, an “inherently upper-middle class environment.” So you’ll fit right in.

Duke excels in the arts. The University reserves a derelict tunnel, an “annex” and an entire wall for creative expression.

Speaking of walls, the proliferation of walls covered in faux-stone laminate has begun Duke’s strategic—and bold—transition from a neo-gothic to a neo-neo gothic architectural style. Welcome to post-modernity.

At Duke, student government is serious business.

Sports!

You get to not walk on beautifully manicured lawns.

Our dorms are now called “houses.” In houses, students get to live in a tiny dorm room surrounded by a bunch of people they may or may not know—you know, just like in a house.

Or, you can pay $4,000 to live in a tent.

Due to construction, beginning Fall 2014 students will be issued their very own customizable hard hats. Get your Greek letters engraved for a small additional fee.

Experience southern culture. Meet students from all across southern New Jersey.

We have a campus in China. That’s cool, right?

Students are guaranteed a job in investment banking. Cost of admission: one soul and/or your individuality.

Duke boasts its own professional basketball team. And—unlike at UNC—you might actually see them in class.

Join a community of scholars.

Experience national scandals first hand. Hell, go ahead and start some.

Come to a world class hospital that has a great university attached to it.

Eat out of a truck.

If you're not sold yet, commit to Duke now and get your undergraduate degree at a 33 percent discount! For a limited time only, $60,000 buys you $90,000 worth of learning. Enroll now before cost of tuition goes up—and it will go up.

In case you couldn't tell, today's editorial was a joke. Have a fun Spring Break!