Film Review: Scary Movie 5

It's been seven years since the last Scary Movie film was released, so maybe Scary Movie 5 only feels tired because we’ve already seen its predecessors run nonstop on Comedy Central. More likely, though, is that the producers know people will watch it no matter how bad it is.

The “new” film focuses on Dan and Jody (Ashley Tisdale and Simon Rex), an oblivious couple left to take care of their nieces and nephew who grew up in the woods. They agree to move into a house to be observed by hidden cameras. This provides a Paranormal Activity-style foundation for the movie. Is it just me, or is it a little late to parody Paranormal Activity? It’s already had three sequels of its own. In fact, many of the references in the film, save only Mama, seem fairly dated, if only by a few years: Inception, Black Swan and Rise of the Planet of the Apes, to name a few.

Dan and Jody’s house is taken over by a demon whom the children affectionately call “Mama.” There are also subplots about Jody’s career as a ballerina, Dan working at an ape research facility and two stoners who try to remember that movie about “a cabin in the woods,” can’t, then buy a shark. Also, in the opening scene, Charlie Sheen and Lindsay Lohan attempt to make a sex tape but become possessed. Don't worry. None of that made sense to me, either.

Scary Movie 5 is a popcorn-and-candy experience to its core. There’s virtually no mental preparation or involvement required. If you’ve seen trailers for a few somewhat recent movies, you’ll be in good shape to catch most of the jokes. But that’s the problem. If its only trouble was that it had been done before (four times), maybe I would be willing to let its bland triteness slide. However, Scary Movie 5 isn’t just a repeat of the first four films—it’s worse. While the last few editions were able to poke fun at their own ridiculousness, Scary Movie 5 completely lacked self-awareness. Tisdale played her role with such Disney Channel earnestness that I was certain she would break into song at any moment. Unfortunately, the writers missed the boat on that one—it might have actually been funny. The only actor who seemed to be in on the joke was Molly Shannon, who played an aging prima ballerina. She performed the role of the Black Swan while drinking a martini and smoking a cigarette, and she struggled to climb into a bathroom stall with four broken limbs. Both scenes were done with Shannon’s typical over-the-top charm, but again it was nothing I hadn’t seen done better before (Anyone remember Jim Carrey in the Black Swan SNL sketch?).

I never thought this movie could make me miss the middle-school-funny flatulence and genitalia jokes of the first four films. Though there are certainly plenty of those, all are so drawn-out that they lose any punch they may have delivered. Scary Movie 5 has more slapstick injuries than a Three Stooges short, more montages than a Brat Pack movie and more severed limbs and fake blood than the most gratuitous slasher flick. How many attempts does it take for a horror-parody film to become a parody of itself? Apparently five.