You do you

In writing my last column, I didn’t want to be that overly nostalgic, cliché, doesn’t-want-to-graduate senior who won’t stop gushing about memories and sharing things on her bucket list. What follows is a toned-down version of that.

Over the past year, I’ve started to approach my friendships, relationships and plans differently. During my first and second year, I used to get so antsy and insecure about spending time with friends—I just HAD to be in the know about every detail in their lives, like Oh-Em-Gee. You were there once, right? You’d feel SO left out if you passed on just one Saturday Night Shooters or if you weren’t included on trips to the Marketplace. I’d feel disheartened upon realizing that I’d lost touch with certain people, the same people I’d share all my secrets with or spend day in and day out with only months earlier. I’d come across folks who used to be my backbone, and pass by them with merely a smile and casual hello. “I used to be so close with her!” I would think. “What happened? Why doesn’t he confide in me anymore? Why am I always the one to reach out to her? What happened?”

But life happened. Where has all the love gone? It’s still there … but it’s evolved. I’ve learned to accept the fact that that while some friendships strengthen and new ones form, others fade. And that’s perfectly okay. I used to focus so much of my energy and time on the people that seemed to be just beyond my grasp, that I lost opportunities to spend time enjoying myself with friends who were patting my back. While some friendships naturally wane, new ones develop in their place. I’ve even invested myself in a relationship knowing that it will soon end once I graduate. I don’t regret not meeting him sooner, simply because our relationship wouldn’t have been what it is right now. When I do eventually catch a break with some friends I haven’t seen in awhile, we have an incredible time together, laughing ‘til our stomachs hurt so much that we’re gasping for air. I’ve come to appreciate those moments—I am happy when those moments happen maybe once a month, rather than sad that they don’t happen everyday. Enter cliché: What matters isn’t what does or does not happen, but rather what you choose to make of it.

A Duke alum once advised me, “Until you graduate, plan to have lunch with someone new every single day.” While that sounds like a wonderful idea, one that I wish I had attempted two years ago, I’m in a new place, one in which my joy doesn’t come out of having the widest network of friends, but appreciating all of my friendships, no matter what stage they’re in.

A mindset change also hit me with “going out.” A friend once told me somewhat regrettably, “I’ve hardly gone out at all this semester. I’ve been so lame.” After a pause, I asked her, “But are you happy? Have you been happy?” She replied with a yes and a genuine smile. I told her then that was all that mattered. No longer experiencing the deeply rooted Fear Of Missing Out that I used to feel during my first year of college, I told myself that I would only go/do/see things that I truly wanted to. I discovered how to sift through all of the friend pressure and the seeping FOMO to ask myself: Do you REALLY want to go to Quarter Beers tonight? Are you actually looking forward to seeing this play? For some of these questions, the answer was a simple, “Hell no.” For others, it was an obvious yes. I have started doing the things I want to do, even if it means doing them alone—going to the Arts Annex to paint, seeing Choreolab by myself, staying home to catch up on “New Girl.” When I wanted to go to Shooters, I had the most carefree and fantastic time, full of bull-riding/bar-dancing fun. However, if after 30 minutes at Satis I found myself feeling bored but my friends were having the time of their lives, I’d take a cab home. Like my friend, whom I rarely see but whose company I cherish nonetheless, I was happy with what I was doing because I chose it.

My whole four years of college would have been a lot easier if I thought this way. There would have been less social anxiety, fewer regrettable nights and more authentic enjoyment. Yet I don’t regret the way my Duke experience has evolved. I look back and wonder not where all the love has gone, but where the time has gone. My outlook on friendships is constantly shifting, but for now, I’m in a great place to jumpstart my new life beyond Duke’s Gothic Wonderland.

Jaimie Woo is a Trinity senior. This is her final column of the semester. You can follow her on Twitter @jwoo9913.