Transcript of DukeALERT text messages issued on Apr. 24, 2013. Submitted on Apr. 25, 2013 to the University Disciplinary Committee, re: Chirba-Porter Gate.
DukeALERT: The generous sponsor of Duke’s revolutionary Bass Connections program, Swedish electronica singer-songwriter Basshunter, has returned to campus for an encore. Any students wishing to avoid having their names sold to Mr. Basshunter or other University benefactors should avoid the Main West Quadrangle.
DukeALERT: American hip-hop singer Travis Porter is preparing to take the stage. Students should collect ear plugs at the student health clinic and stay indoors. Please check http://www.duke.edu/police for updates on this ongoing investigation.
DukeALERT: American hip-hop singer Travis Porter is actually three people!
DukeALERT: Whatever you do, don’t do anything Travis Porter says.
DukeALERT: The man in a leather duster selling moonshine out of the bombed-out Cadillac does not have a license to vend beverages on campus.
DukeALERT: The Chronicle’s Independent Editorial Board, clothes drenched in moonshine, eyes rolled back in Dionysian fervor, has been seen chanting unequivocal approval of Travis Porter.
DukeALERT: Vice President for Student Affairs Larry Moneta seen smiling. Please check http://www.duke.edu/police for further updates on this ongoing investigation.
DukeALERT: All clear. Police have apprehended Moneta, whose mouth is now locked in an acute frown.
DukeALERT: Executive Vice President Tallman Trask seen shoving students to the ground in a blind charge to the moonshine Caddy.
DukeALERT: Trask sends e-mail announcing that Duke Kunshan University does not exist and is a front to launder money for secret societies.
DukeALERT: Please disregard the previous notification—Trask accidentally hit “reply to all.”
DukeALERT: Police received an anonymous call this morning that a bomb was in the Sarah P. Duke Garden’s Koi Pond. Please avoid the area until the pond has been cleared.
DukeALERT: Police received an anonymous call this morning indicating that a bomb was in the Main West Quadrangle. Please avoid the area until the area has been cleared.
DukeALERT: There’s human meat in the Chirba Chirba dumplings!
DukeALERT: The bomb clearing squad, egged on by Travis Porter, has tipped the Chirba Chirba truck.
DukeALERT: All clear. Travis Porter has left the stage and has been replaced by sophisticated and intellectual singer-songwriter-poet-muse Kendrick Lamar. Students are free to remove their ear plugs. Things should be calming down now.
DukeALERT: False alarm. Kendrick Lamar, nearly sharing the fate of Orpheus torn apart by the Thracian Maenads, narrowly escaped the violent clutches of the wild-eyed mob of degenerate students.
DukeALERT: The Perkins Library has been renamed Travis Porter Connections.
DukeALERT: As you stare at your grimy, dead-eyed visage in the West Union bathroom mirrors and reflect on the humanity that you have irretrievably lost today, remember that it’s not too late to donate to the Duke Annual Fund!
In case you couldn’t tell, this editorial is a joke! Have fun at LDOC and good luck with exams.
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