Can you all hear me? Yes? Alright, fantastic. I thought I’d stop walking backwards for a second because I’m always afraid that I’ll accidentally step on a squirrel and bring the whole rabid horde down on my head. What’s that sir? Oh no! They’re not really rabid! (Laughs harder than is probably necessary.) They’re just, uh, extremely confident around people. And fast. Really, really fast.
Anyway, behind us you can see the Duke Chapel. It’s pretty much the most recognizable landmark on campus, mostly because it’s really tall and pointy, but also because it’s incredibly historic. Like seriously, if you look closely at the bricks you can see “POSTERITY” written all over them. Also, you might be able to read “CHECK OUT THE STAINED GLASS BUT FOR GOD’S SAKE DON’T TOUCH ANYTHING.” At night, they shine spotlights on the Chapel, which is pretty cool when you first see it, but gets old relatively fast. I’ve always wanted to convert them to Bat Signals but my schedule doesn’t really allow for shenanigans like that at present. If any of you kids get in here, make that your first priority, along with finding Cosmic. Actually, find Cosmic first, that place is going to be pretty important during your first year here, at least the fuzzier parts of it.
Moving on, you can see Perkins on your left. It’s a pretty nice place; we do most of our social events here and have lots of fun at pretty much a constant rate.
Alright that’s a complete lie, this is the library. In it, there are many places where you’ll despair at how much stuff you have to do, but never find the motivation to get it done. At least not during normal, human hours. Also, the library has tons of printers! Seriously, there are at least eight spread out over the six floors. That might seem like a bad ratio when you first think about it, but going between floors to print stuff is actually good for you! Because let’s face it, you’re sure as hell not burning calories when you’re “studying,” so you might as well get off your ass. The printers do break a lot though, which can be kind of a pain considering the tuition you pay to use them. Then again, the school drops more than 50 grand on this one party in the library each year, so it pretty much evens out no matter how you slice it, as long as you’re conveniently forgetting how to slice it in several really obvious ways.
In any case, that’s enough about academics, I know you’re really wondering about the dorm situation once you get on West Campus. They’re all pretty decent, with the exception of this one place called Edens. I’m actually not allowed to take you all there, partly because someone’s grandma broke her hip navigating the area one time, but mainly because they look like they were designed by someone on an acid trip. You really can’t go wrong with any of the other dorms though, as long as you don’t mind the occasional fire alarm. And if you lock your door, get back in bed and cover your head with your pillow, then it’s kind of like there isn’t even a fire alarm going on at all (roguish wink).
Let’s finish the tour over near Cameron. Watch your step right there, it’s been really icy the past couple days, so icy that you would think the administration would consider cancelling class. But you’d be WRONG! Haha, silly tour people.
Athletics at Duke are pretty important, mainly because we’re pretty damn good at them, and also because they get too much money to be ignored by the student body. Can you ask that question again, ma’am? Why does that lawn resemble an upscale refugee camp? Because that’s what Duke basketball is all about! Passion and success and sleeping in tents with people you can hopefully tolerate! Basketball games, especially the one against UNC, are as good as it gets at Duke. You know, as long as we win. Cause camping out five weeks to watch your team lose is memorable, but probably not in the best way.
Anyway, that’s about it for the tour. What you have here is a very unique, very exciting place to spend four years. The time I’ve spent at Duke has been the best of my life, not because of the squirrels and the printers and the fire alarms and the ice, but because of everything besides that. Having a great life isn’t the same as having a perfect life. It’s about being able to look past the imperfections to see the goodness within.
I don’t know who actually said that, my friend just told me to say it at the end of the tour. He asked me to cover for him today, got bit by a squirrel.
Jordan Siedell is a Trinity senior. This is his final column of the semester.
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