Rock of Ages

Tom Cruise as an Axl Rose-esque hair metal singer?

Yes. I need to see this movie. Unfortunately, Rock of Ages, a Broadway rock opera turned Hollywood film, was a little too much Warrant and not quite enough Mötley Crüe for my liking.

Rock of Ages is a corny love story set on Hollywood’s infamous Sunset Strip in 1987. Stacee Jaxx (Tom Cruise) and his band Arsenal are on top of the world, epitomizing the sex, drugs and rock’n’roll lifestyle. They are about to play their farewell show at The Bourbon (might as well be the Whisky A Go Go) before Stacee embarks on a solo career. Meanwhile, small town rocker chick Sherrie (Julianne Hough) moves to Los Angeles with stars in her eyes and finds herself waitressing at The Bourbon. There she meets budding rock star Drew (Diego Boneta), and they instantly fall in love (ever listened to “Don’t Stop Believin’”?). The musical chronicles their relationship as Drew rises to fame and the two of them get a chance to see the man behind their idol: Stacee Jaxx.

Despite an all-star cast boasting Russell Brand, Alec Baldwin, Mary J. Blige and Catherine Zeta-Jones (among others), the movie is a flop in the truest sense. The acting is mediocre, the plot is trite and even the singing is just okay. Tom Cruise did a terrible job portraying Stacee, a strange character to begin with. Every scene featuring Stacee was uncomfortably bizarre. Writers Justin Theroux, Chris D’Arienzo and Allan Loeb scripted him as an incoherent womanizing alcoholic with a pet baboon named Hey Man, and his love interest with a Rolling Stone reporter is equally forced and pointless. His character shows absolutely no development throughout the film.

Furthermore, the singing in the musical is not nearly at the level I’d hoped for. A high budget Hollywood film ought to cast vocalists with the chops to at least match such cigarette- and booze-burdened voices as Dee Snider, Axl Rose or David Coverdale. But aside from Mary J. Blige’s phenomenal performance, the movie was reminiscent of a bad episode of Glee.

That said, I do credit the film for being pretty funny. It’s not exactly a knee-slapper, but Russell Brand and Alec Baldwin’s banter as Lonny and Dennis, the proprietors of The Bourbon, is enjoyable. There are also enough bathroom jokes to keep a smile on the audience’s face throughout the two-hour long movie.

As a fan of ‘80s arena metal, I was expecting much more out of the musical. The soundtrack leans too heavily on power ballads to propel the love stories, and the depiction of rock ‘n’ roll excess is simply off the mark. Gearing the movie towards a PG-13 audience limited the freedom to really dig deep into life on Sunset Strip in the late ’80s, leading to a shallow, contrived and cliché result.