A recent anti-hazing initiative spearheaded by the Office of Administrative Conduct unearthed allegations of hazing across disciplines and at the highest levels of Duke’s faculty.
“It’s not just students trying to have fun anymore,” said High Inquisitor and Chief of Laughter Prevention Bryan Stephens. “Any member of the Duke community” who engages in actions ranging from the “mildly inappropriate to sadistic” will all equally be subject to “the full wrath of my Zeus-like powers.”
The editorial board—through no journalistic ability of our own, assuredly—somehow accessed a trove of OAC documents detailing the abuse. The allegations range in severity and nature, and have occurred over an extended period of time.
A group of English professors were indicted after a Ph.D. student reported being paddled “with the complete works of Herman Melville.” This level 3.8 violation was upgraded to a stage Q violation when the anonymous Ph.D. added that he was hit with “the unabridged, critically extended version.” The professor countered by pointing out that even Hemingway traditionally staged his own version of the running of the bulls, with his editors as the runners and live bulls as the bulls.
Further, allegations that English professors—and one infamous cancer researcher—were forced into compromising textual situations could not be corroborated, probably because no one on the editorial board bothered calling anyone involved in the story we were writing, as per edit board rules.
The Office of Administrative Conduct itself came under scrutiny for forcing Dean Manglass to fill a “signature book” with the tears of the president of every fraternity dechartered in the past year—with added points if it was “one of those cool fraternities,” and negative points if it was a selective living group.
No facet of the University escaped the crackdown—sorry, the “crackdown”—unscathed. Coach K himself was accused of forcing freshmen to engage in “calisthenics” as a punishment for losing. No word yet on whether this will affect the status of Duke basketball pledge master Wojo.
The Joker (Law ’77) filed a complaint alleging that the theme of the recent library party was “degrading and humiliating,” and that the advertisements for the party “stereotyped a historically marginalized and oppressed group.” He could not be reached for comment.
Disturbingly, even President Rick Brodhead has been accused of forcing the Board of Trustees to drink gallons and gallons of Kool-Aid, 24 hours a day, seven days a week. A “failure to comply” charge was tacked on after the Allen Building violated the terms of their probation when more than six administrators were caught weeping over their lack of PickyU connections.
Sadly, it appears that hazing is not just confined to Duke in Durham. We have heard whispers that Michael Schoenfeld has been performing severe acts of branding in a foreign backwater in China—a clear level infinity offense. And Dean Shepard’s disappearance to Kunshan clearly violates the hazing code’s provision against forced road trips.
President Brodhead denied the allegations.
“Forcing administrators to do things they don’t want to do and hazing are two totally separate things,” Brodhead said. “Our traditions cause psychological trauma and humiliation, but they’re tradition. And they’re kind of funny. Hazing is totally different, because it’s bad.”
In case you couldn’t tell, this editorial is a joke. Happy Spring break!
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